Happiness & Harmony

An exercise in memory and education

2011-08-31T22:51:00.000-04:00

Sometimes when I get bored I like to hit the "random" button on blog sites and see what pops up. This is how I discovered idontbelieveingrammar. I seriously love this blog and can often relate to how the author writes. I often repost her blog entries on my social media pages, and if I've missed a few posts I always find time to actually catch up and read what I've missed.

Tonight was a catch up night. And she didn't disappoint. As a high school teacher, idontbelieveingrammar was reflecting on a book she read recently that invited students to review their educational experience. idontbelieveingrammar is embarking on a similar reflection and I liked the idea so much I decided to do the same. So here, in a nutshell, is what I remember from...

Kindergarten

My family had just moved to London, Ontario, and I was starting French Immersion school. I attended Lord Roberts and my teacher was Rachelle LePage - a Quebecoise. I was thrilled that my teacher had the same name as me, and I was in love with my first day of school outfit - a black dress with Bambi and Thumper stitched on the bottom.

I remember learning a song about a mouse on a grey carpet, making a paper mache' easter egg, and bringing a praying mantis in for show and tell. I remember my teacher making us a haunted house and taking us each through it individually... I was scared and thrilled all at once. She used black garbage bags to make the walls and had string all over for spiderwebs... there were grapes and spaggetti and I felt soooo grown up being allowed to go in it.

There was a bathroom in the coatroom attached to our classroom. One day my friend Jillian and I hid in the coatroom pretending to shoot at people outside. A police car pulled up and we instantly transitioned into cops and robbers, at which point our teacher discovered us and gave us a pretty stern talking to. Turned out the police officer was coming to our class to talk to us about safety, but Jillian and I thought he was there because we were in trouble.

I remember learning about colours combining to make new colours using play-doh and incredible story telling. I was so excited to bring home my sample pieces and take my parents through the lesson... and they dutifully acted as though they never ever knew that yellow and blue made green when you mix them together. My parents rock.

My school would provide periodic extra curricular classes we could sign up for, and I desperately wanted to take karate. Unfortunately it filled up before I could get in and I had to settle for some much lesser activity.

I don't remember learning French in any formal capacity except for the word papillon (butterfly)... Mme. Rachelle kept trying to illustrate to us what the word meant and we stared at her blankly until someone exclaimed "ohhhh!!!! her hands are a butterfly!!"

The story behind one of your scars.

2011-08-08T15:43:00.000-04:00

I have a very faint scar on my left elbow. When I was about 7 years old I was an insane daredevil. I would climb any tree, fence, rock, you name it. I used to stand on our 2nd floor balcony and fantasize about being able to swing off it and land on my feet in the grass below. I was convinced if the cat could do it I should be able to too. Luckily my parents kept a close eye on me and so I didn't ever get the chance to try it out.

My bike was a different story. Mum and Dad would allow me to go all the way around the block all day if I wanted to, without them having to come with me. Our block came complete with speed bumps... which for me and my buddies meant a launching pad. One time mum and dad were out and our cousin was babysitting. She let me go out to ride my bike and hit speeds previously not attained (by me). I hit one of the speed bumps on the corner and was airborne... except my body and bike decided to go in opposite directions. I went flying about 6 feet and hit the pavement elbows first. Both elbows and both knees got scraped up beyond recognition and I had crazy scabs for weeks afterward. My cousin heard my screams from all the way down the street and came running... she tried to patch me up the best she could but I'm sure I didn't make it easy on her, it hurt so bad.

Ever since then I've been more subdued. I'd still ride my bike, but wouldn't push so hard to fly. I'm sure there's a metaphor in there somewhere and I'm sure I have gone about things in the wrong manner, but it's been over 20 years and I still have the scar. It may be teeny, it may be faded, and at times I think it's finally gone away, but it's still there as a reminder to me that it's ok to dream, but sometimes it's important to stay rooted as well.

What turns you off?

2011-07-11T11:27:00.000-04:00

one of the quickest things that can turn me off to an individual is blatant discrimination. If someone I'm speaking with makes any kind of derogatory remark about someone based on a factor they can't control (race, religion, gender, sexuality, etc etc) I find myself instantly looking for ways to get out of the conversation and not speak with that person anymore.

Another is complete self-absorption. By this I mean those people who are simply incapable of NOT steering every single thing you say back to them. They're the "one-uppers" as Scrubs once referred to it. Anything you say they have to comment, one-up you, or use the phrase "oh yeah, like this one time when this other thing happened to me..." I'm all for listening, and I usually enjoy learning about other people's lives, but you know what? It's not ALWAYS about you, and quite frankly, I don't believe that you partied on Toby Keith's tour bus when he was in town, or that you slept with three girls at that party, because you are far too annoying for anyone to want to spend that much time with you. Seriously, get over yourself.

First book/movie/song that moved you

2011-07-08T00:36:00.000-04:00

So we're gonna skip over the photo taken 10 years ago because I just don't know where anything is right now my office is a complete disaster... again.

The first book that I can recall moving me was Island of the Blue Dolphins.

First movie I recall moving me was Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken... I bawled my eyes out along with all the other girls at my very first sleep over.

First song that moved me was Tangled Up Puppet by Harry Chapin. This is also the song I danced to with my daddy at my wedding.

Overwhelmed

2011-06-27T20:55:00.000-04:00

I think I've mentioned before that I've had a rough past 2 years. I was laid off from a dream job, I spent a year and a half maneuvering the stresses that come with planning a wedding and getting married and starting a life together with someone you've never lived with (all good, but still stress), I had to come to terms with the fact that I currently am forced to live WELL outside my means just to get the bills paid, I moved out of my parent's house, we adopted 2 kittens, my husband is occasionally responsible for a hell demon (dog), and I've had more job lead let-downs then I care to admit. Oh yeah, and I decided to throw grad school into the mix, just for fun.

While I've had a lot of good things happen in my life the last two years (remember the part where I got married!) the past few weeks the stress has been getting to me. A lot. I've been feeling a lot of pressure because of our financial situation, I've been feeling increasingly demotivated and down right depressed on the job front, and the hell demon has been around a little more frequently than usual. My husband tries to be supportive but is unfortunately often just blissfully unaware of how these life forces are impacting me, and I can only complain to him so much before he thinks I'm just chronically miserable.

Yesterday I did something unprecedented. I took a deliberate day off. I planned it ahead of time, I informed my family that I was unavailable for the day, I made no plans with friends, and I got my most pressing tasks handled the day before. I took one entire day to only do what I felt like doing. I didn't limit myself. I borrowed a car so I would have transportation should I choose to go out, I didn't make a list of things I wanted to do, or things I should avoid, I simply spent the day doing exactly and only what I felt like doing. It was amazing. I slept in without feeling guilty, I snuggled with my kitties, I ate whatever sounded good, I did a little shopping, I sat by the pool, I watched some tv, I read, I wrote, and I spent some time cleaning my kitchen the cooking in it. When my husband got home from work, he invited me to go to a bbq at his friends house and I really debated whether or not *I* felt like going, or if I was inclined to go because he wanted me to. I ultimately decided to go, but brought stuff to do on my own if their conversation or activities wasn't going the way I felt like. It was an awesomely freeing day.

Except for one searing moment.

I was out doing some shopping for a few household items I kept putting off looking for, and I saw an older man out on the side of the road, holding a sign that read "Family hungry. Please Help. Will work." I was starting at him as I sat at my red light, willing there to be cash in my wallet to maybe at least give him a dollar if I had it... even though we don't have enough in the bank to pay all of our bills before my next unemployment check comes in. The truck in front of me beeped at him and someone handed some cash out the window, so I felt better.

Until a little later.

Headed home (by another route) I came across a somewhat younger man with the same sign. I am assuming they were a father and son. I didn't have any cash, I didn't have any food, and I couldn't afford to hire him to do any made up work I may be able to come up with. And I lost it. I cried the whole way home, and I wasn't even sure why at first. I began to force myself to consider where this emotional outburst was coming from (thanks to many years spent in therapists offices, and being friends with therapists...) and realised it was part fear that we may not be far off from those men in our own situation, and part the most complete sense of relief and gratitude I have felt in a very long time. Relief that it wasn't me standing out there relying on the grace of God and strangers to get me to my next meal, and grateful that we have what little it feels like we do have: a roof over our heads, food in our cupboards, and a vehicle to get my husband back and forth to work each day.

I felt completely overwhelmed by the whole experience, and I'm still processing the emotions it stirred up for me, but I felt driven to share it here. Take it for whatever it may mean to you, and I sincerely hope those men were able to feed their family that night.

Long-Term Illnesses

2011-05-15T21:24:00.000-04:00

I am slowly becoming more active in the world of blogging, and have started following a number of blogs that are written by people I don't know. Recently I came across a blog and the first entry I read was quite profound. It dealt with one woman's account of how suicide had impacted her life, and how (5 years later) it continues to impact her life. It immediately made me think about my mother. My mum is still alive and well, she did not commit suicide, but for the last 8 years she has been battling a very rare illness which shut down her entire central nervous system, leaving her numb in 98% of her body, and unable to control her own motor skills. That's how she was when the virus first took hold of her. Today, if you met her you probably wouldn't even be able to tell there was anything wrong with her despite the fact that she hasn't yet reached a full recovery.

My mum is hands down the strongest woman I know. After 9 grueling months of hospitalizations, painful tests and physical, spiritual and emotional turmoil, the doctors finally presented her with the closest thing they could get to a diagnosis of her condition (it's a super long medical term that I would never get right so I won't even bother). It's literally a one-in-a-million case, and the best they can tell is it's a virus that attacks the nervous system, and they have no idea where it came from, why she got it, or if it will ever go away entirely, or even come back if it does. My mother didn't bat an eye, she simply asked "how do I get better?" The last 8 years have been hell for her. She had to relearn everything, from walking to driving to tying her shoes. Her brain was not effected by the virus, so intellectually she knew how to do everything, she just couldn't get her body to do what it was supposed to do, which at it's best was frustrating and at it's worse infuriating and overwhelmingly upsetting. Simple tasks like getting out of bed in the morning and walking to the bathroom were impossible without help. It was years before she could even manage to put on her own earrings.

I was still doing my undergrad when this all happened, and so I was away for the very worst of it. Daily doctor and therapy appointments, weekly tests and evaluations, constant driving back and forth, constant fighting with insurance claims and constant worrying... will she get better? will it be like this for the rest of our lives? how will we ever afford all of these medical bills? I would come home when I could, on weekends, and do what I felt I could, which wasn't much. Usually cleaning the house, buying massive quantities of food and cooking until every dish in the house was dirty. I would portion out meals and freeze them so that at least when my parents and brother finally got home from long days and late nights they could eat a decent meal. I was very detached from the situation for a long time, even though I had the conversations and I saw her every few weeks, I will never understand quite the level of sacrifice my dad and brother had to make for her during that first year and a half.

When I moved back home after graduation, the reality of mum's condition began to set in for me. Her energy was almost nonexistent. She was constantly exhausted from PT, OT, what little work she was up to, and just keeping up with her insane schedule of doctors appointments. Her medicine cabinet was overflowing with pills and supplements she was taking, and every meal was a lesson in patience as we counted out the pills she needed to take, and helped cut up her food because she couldn't manage the silverware quite right yet. She *could* drive again (she couldn't for over a year) but often still didn't because she was so tired, so we were all driving a LOT to get her where she needed to go. During all of this, I can only remember about 3 times when I saw her break down and give in to the despair that came with the frustration and uncertainty of what was happening to her. 3 times in 8 years... that's simply unreal.

I kept thinking about how I would have handled something like this happening to me... I can't imagine waking up one morning and not being able to feel my hands, or not being able to get my feet to support my weight. I can't imagine enduring what my mother had to endure day after day after day. It was a few years before she could even walk through the grocery story without help... years of wheelchairs, walkers, canes and motorised carts... errands took 5 times longer because we had to keep pace with her, and she had to take frequent breaks. And yet she almost never complained. In fact, she spent a whole lot of time apologising to us for being such a burden. I used to get so angry when she would do that because after all, she's my mother. She could never be a burden. She spent 20 years taking care of me, how could I not help take care of her when she needed us?

My mother's experience changed my life in so many ways, but I think one of the most important things it did for me was open my eyes to the lives of those who suffer from long term illnesses. So often we hear of someone who is suffering from some disease or another, sometimes relatively short ones, sometimes life long ones. When the news first arrives we shower them with love, cards, flowers, affection, fruit baskets, offers of help, etc. It takes about a month. Sometimes 2 or 3, for that to stop. People start to forget that you're sick. Or they don't know how else to help. Or they are afraid to try and understand what you're going through. Or whatever other excuses are out there. The ones who carry the heaviest loads are the family and closest friends, the next door neighbour who is willing to check in every hour to see if you need help getting to the bathroom because your son is at school and your husband had to go into the office at least one day this week so he wouldn't lose his job. The friend who calls you up to see if you feel up to going shopping just even for 15 minutes because she knows you've been cooped up in the house for 3 weeks with no real escape. The husband who nearly kills himself with neglect because he is so focused on meeting your every need that he is willing to give up everything to make you better. The boss who continues to find ways of getting you medical leave extensions, or sends home small tasks you can handle at home so that you don't lose your pay or insurance. The nurse who keeps meticulous notes of each visit so that even the slightest change in symptoms can be tracked and analyzed to find the best treatments. The therapists who begin keeping a pad and pen on their nightstand so when they wake up at night or in the morning with new ideas for treating you they can write them down immediately. The doctor who sits at the edge of your hospital bed, takes your hand and promises that God will help us all figure this out and beat it.

I have learned so much from my mother over these last 8 years. I have grown so close to her, and shared so much with her, and I am so proud of how hard she has fought. I got married last fall and not only was she able to walk down the aisle with my brother, she did it wearing heels... something she thought she would never be able to wear again. Our family has grown much stronger and closer as a result of her illness, but we have also learned to be a million times more patient with people, and with life. I have learned that when someone is going through a long-term illness, that sending a card when you first hear the news isn't enough. You have to keep sending the cards, keep making the phone calls, keep offering the rides or the groceries or the laundry or whatever you have that you can give... because sometimes those first 3 months are actually the easiest... it's the next 7.5 years that are so brutal.

Everyone is different, that is for sure, but I've found that many people suffering from long-term illnesses are desperate to make sense of it, and sometimes that sense comes in helping others understand it, or in trying to be an example and inspiration to others. My mum often shares with others about her experiences and how they have effected her, in hopes that it will open their eyes to people in new ways, or if they are also suffering that it may act as support and encouragement for them.

We don't know if my mum will ever be 100% recovered, but I do know that this illness will never ever defeat her... and for that I not only thank God, but I pray that her story can bring light and hope to others out there who are facing a lifetime of uncertainty like she has.

A trait you deplore in others.

2011-05-15T11:22:00.000-04:00

Hypocrisy and blatant discrimination. Hands down. I have no tolerance for it. I work very hard to not practice it myself and hate if I get called out for doing so without realising it. I could go into far more detail, but I'm in too good a mood today to start a rant that will lead to frustration :o)

Celebrity crush.

2011-05-14T00:17:00.000-04:00

Talk about revealing lol... here we go...

My first celebrity crush that I can remember was Dante Basco... better known as Rufio from the movie Hook. My friends and I used to watch the movie over and over and chant "Rufi oooooooooo" along with the lost boys. We'd bawl when he dies. (oops, spoiler alert lol). When I looked him up on IMDB for a current photo, he's still damn hot. I may have to renew this celebrity crush...

My Next big crushes were pretty simultaneous as I hit teenagerdom... Howie Dorough from the Backstreet Boys, and Peter Andre. Yes, I had a serious, SERIOUS boy band phase.

(Howie when the crush started)

(Howie now)

(Peter when crush started)

(Peter more currently)

My BIGGEST celebrity crush is Bon Jovi... hands down. I love his music and he is soooooooooo hot. Hot hot hot. Also I love his music. Also he's hot.

I also have some mad girl celeb crushes... mostly from the wonderful world of Joss Whedon :o)
Check out these hotties... Eliza Dushku & Alyson Hannigan

(Eliza as Faith on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel)

(Aly as Willow, also on Buffy and Angel)

Of course my most current (and most soul devouring) celeb crush is my husband... Austin Scott ;o) When I first met him, I had no idea about anything at all country. We actually had to have a conversation a few months after we started dating where he said "hon, if you hear a song I sing on the radio... it's not mine... it's the original that I cover" because he got tired of me getting all excited about "some other band playing your song!" lol... he is my everything and I love him. And he's got the talent to be something huge someday... just you watch! And listen. Please. He's on iTunes :o)

What you dislike most about your appearance.

2011-05-07T01:25:00.000-04:00

I have a fake tooth. When I was younger, one of my front teeth was smaller than the others, and a little misshapen, and the orthodontist we had in the Netherlands convinced my folks that we needed to pull it and use my braces to shift my teeth over to fill in the gap. When we moved to the US our new ortho said that was a terrible idea and shifted my teeth back to recreate the gap. We couldn't afford a permanent fix (and I'm really scared of getting an implant even if I could afford it) so I have a fake tooth that I wear on a retainer. Most people have no idea it's fake, no one ever asks what's up with my tooth, but to me it's noticeable and I'm really self conscious of it. There was a time my retainer got destroyed and I had to get a new one. It took three days and I would not go into work without it, so I had to work from home (thankfully I had an understanding boss at the time). I have been late to appointments and meetings because I ran out the door with so much on my mind that I forgot to put my retainer in, and upon realising it had to turn around and go home to get it. It took me a long time before my husband ever saw me without my retainer, and even then I was really embarrassed for a long time if he happened to see me without it in.

Someday I hope to conquer my lack of funding and my fear and get an implant as a permanent fix, but in the meantime, I continue to pray nothing happens to this retainer (at least until I get insurance again!) and that no one makes fun of my silly tooth... or lack thereof should they ever somehow see me without my retainer in!

Something that really bugs you.

2011-05-05T17:01:00.000-04:00

I read and write a lot. My academic background involved probably more of each of these tasks than most people (barring maybe lit majors), and I'll admit I'm a bit of a snob about it. That being said, few things grate on my nerves more than really poor writing. I can be tolerant of the whole text/web writing phenomenon like "where u @?" or "nm l8r" I even use some of that language myself occasionally to an extent. What I'm referring to is more along the lines of blatant typos. Come on, web browsers even underline misspelled words now, so there's really no excuse. Also, using the wrong version of a word. This is *especially* true when I see it in professional writing. For example, I just read a facebook posting from Amnesty International that was questioning the "roll of the United States in Pakistan". The more common offenses are "your vs you're" and "their, they're, there".

It may be superficial of me, but honestly I feel like poor spelling and grammar make for an unprofessional image. In some cases it can also just make you look dumb (I finally had to message a friend of mine that "texting" language did NOT mean you could just leave every single vowel out of your message because it got to the point where I literally couldn't figure out what the crap he was trying to say). So basically when I find these glaring errors in other people's writing it bugs me. I know I'm not perfect, I've found the occasional typo or spelling error myself in my own stuff (even this blog) but in general, just stop it already. Seriously.

Something that scares you.

2011-04-30T01:01:00.000-04:00

Well I'm as good at keeping current on this as any other blog endeavour I start... good thing I didn't expect to actually get to it every single day... but since the blog I stole it from has gotten to this point in her list, it's time for me to keep up with the Jones'... or Browns if you will :o)

I don't even have to think twice about this one. Death is the number one thing that scares me. Which is almost odd because I don't consider myself to be a fearful person, nor do I often think things like "better not do that it's dangerous I could die"... in fact, death rarely crosses my mind in any realistic capacity. I have friends and family that almost died on various occasions and the gravity of their situations never hit me until years later, at the time I was just sure they'd pull through so it wasn't even an issue in my mind.

I'm also a little obsessed with death. I adore vampire shows, movies, novels... I think ghost stories are fascinating, I am undecided on my stance on the authenticity of mediums and the like because part of me really wants to believe that when we die that isn't necessarily the end. I was raised Christian which means I "should" believe that we go to heaven when we die, but I don't believe in hell, and I'm not really convinced "heaven" is a physical space we all go hang out in a non corporeal form. I have no idea, and I don't think any of us will ever know for sure until we actually die. Maybe that's what's so scary to me. I do know that when someone I care about dies, they stop being around for me. And I may be selfish but damn it that upsets me. I don't like people leaving me, especially not when I have no idea if I will ever see them in any form ever again ever.

I love cemeteries, especially old ones. I love hearing about people's weird and unexplained experiences where they believe they've been visited from someone who has died. I myself have had one extremely emotional and very not-like-me experience that convinced me my grandmother was reaching out to me even though she had passed away several years prior.

The weird thing (I think) that scares me about death is that the thought of loved ones dying is as scary to me as the thought of me dying. Maybe that means I'm really just afraid of being separated from loved ones, but the nurturer in me can't stand the idea of leaving those I love behind to grieve my loss and not being able to comfort them. Of course if I was around to comfort them they wouldn't be grieving my loss, I know this makes no sense, but that's the thing about fear, it's often more than a touch irrational.

So there you go. Sarah your move :o)

Last time you had to apologize to someone.

2011-04-10T23:32:00.000-04:00

So this time I've honestly been holding off because I couldn't remember the last time I had to apologise for anything that was worth posting about... and then the other day my husband got pretty upset with me because he felt I was being overly critical for an extended period of time. I can sometimes be guilty of this, because he is such a dreamer, I feel it's my responsibility to bring him back down to reality, but I've been known to do so a little too often at times, which can then be taken (and fairly so) as just being plain negative. It's never my intention, and I'm always relieved when he actually calls me on it (he hates confrontation and it can be like pulling teeth to get him to tell me what's bugging him sometimes) so that I can correct myself. So the other night I found myself apologising sincerely for making him feel so bummed out because I was being way too critical and not giving him enough room to dream.

Last time you cried.

2011-03-29T21:35:00.000-04:00

I wouldn't consider myself a cry baby, but I'm also not emotionless. I cry with relative frequency, it helps me process. The last time I cried was last week, and actually I think it was just a release. I had made dinner for Austin & I, enjoyed dinner and as we were cleaning up I turned to him and said "I have no idea why but I kind of feel like crying right now, so if you turn around and I'm crying, I'm not sad" Sure enough about 20 minutes later I had tears sliding down my face. It only lasted a few minutes, but it there it was nonetheless.

Favorite smells.

2011-03-27T18:20:00.000-04:00

Pretty much anytime something is cooking the kitchen I love it. The smell of a home cooked meal is hard to beat.

I'm also addicted to this candle my mother in law bought me, it's Eucalyptus Mint and it is AWESOME.

The smell of a campfire is also amazing...

European Nostalgia

2011-03-26T23:41:00.000-04:00

This post is not a part of the "post-a-day" list. I follow another blog that occasionally posts these great playlists. I loved the idea but couldn't for the life of me figure out how to do it. Tonight on my way home from school a remix of an old No Mercy song came on the radio and I just about flipped out. I was instantly transported through space and time to a McDonalds' drive thru in Rotterdam where my friend Joey and I were ordering Big Mac meals in order to get a free No Mercy single of their newest hit. (remember when bands released singles AND we bought them on discs?!)

As soon as the song ended I had to bust out my phone and start YouTubing other songs (at stop signs and red lights of course) to play over and over again until I got home. There was no option, I had to figure out how to post a freaking playlist. And I did. Now I bring you, Rachel's Euro-Nostalgia playlist... a collection of my all time favourite artists and songs from my time in the Netherlands. I was also a huge Backstreet Boys fan at the time, but I tried to restrict the list to European bands or bands that never ever made it in the US.

You may think it's lame, you may hate every song on it, you probably won't be able to understand all of them (the beauty of Euro-playlists is any language goes!) but it is super meaningful to me, and at this exact moment in my life, it is beyond exactly what I needed. So enjoy some exposure to MY culture!!!!

Your worst hair moment (if you skip this one, it’s totally cool).

2011-03-24T16:44:00.000-04:00

Skip this one? I'm braver than that! We've all had bad hair days. We've all had bad hair cuts. Usually we look back on things that we thought were soooo cool at the time with absolute horror. My worst hair moment was just as bad at the time as it is to look back on. I wanted short hair. For awhile I had short hair that was really cute. Then mum took me in for a trim and we ended up with a stylist other than the one we normally went to. This stylist was apparently stupid. Or deaf. But I'm pretty sure stupid. Even though I was introduced as the "daughter" and my name was "Rachel", she thought I was a boy. It wasn't until she pulled out the shaver that mum realised what was happening and all but physically yanked me out of the chair herself. I had boy hair, and I was 8 years old. Awesome.

Mum felt awful and wanted to try and salvage it so we went to a new stylist who suggested a perm (which was still acceptable for the decade lol)... which resulted in this:

yeah... bask in that for awhile. Then move on the the track suit and fanny pack. You're welcome.

Something you crave.

2011-03-21T10:14:00.000-04:00

I often crave carbs... pasta, rice, cereal, bread... if I have a (food) craving it's most often some form of this. I also often crave sushi, because it's delicious, and because I can't afford to eat it even half as often as I like.

On a non-food level, I am currently craving acceptance. I have been hunting for full time employment for over a year now, and it feels like everytime I get my hopes up about a position I interview for, they come crashing down around me. It's so frustrating because the most frequent reason I get for them not choosing me is "you're just overqualified so we went with someone else" I have been very selective in my search, trying to find companies that I intend to stick with for a long time, so to have them turn down someone who is interested in being a long-term player because they are in fact better than what they were looking for just blows my mind. Do they think I'm lying to them? Do they not believe me when I tell them that I'm not a salary or title chaser? It's soooo frustrating.

I have always been a pretty confident person. I was raised to believe in myself and my skills, and I have lived a life that has fostered that confidence. I've failed plenty, but I guess I'm usually just pretty good at learning from failure and growing from it, but even my once rock solid self confidence is beginning to quake. And so I crave acceptance. It's bleeding into every aspect of my life... I need my family to tell me how helpful I am, I need my husband to constantly shower me with affection and gratitude for all I do around the house or to help with his music career, I need my friends to continuously bolster my ego and tell me that perfect job is right around the corner. I need employers to stop telling me how awesome I am and SHOW me by giving me a chance to rock the job. As a pretty fiercely independent individual, I struggle deeply with feeling so emotionally dependent on others right now. I hate feeling like I have to have their approval and admiration in order to feel good about myself. And yet I'm caught in this web and don't quite know how to get out of it.

Ugh.

A photo from your childhood.

2011-03-06T19:02:00.000-05:00

Something you’re thankful for.

2011-03-05T15:26:00.000-05:00

Today I am thankful for good friends who don't give up on us! Austin and I try hard to maintain our friendships with people, but sometimes individuals get left behind for awhile. Never intentionally, but sometimes it happens. I am always so thankful when they don't take it personally and we are able to pick up where we've left off. This morning, just as we were deciding what we should do with our day, the phone rang and our friend Jacob said "I'm not too far from you guys, are you busy?" It resulted in a wonderful visit and we were so glad he came!

Your favorite teacher.

2011-03-04T11:23:00.000-05:00

This one is even easier than the "photo of me without makeup" subject! My favourite teacher of all time was Mr. Tirolese (Mr. T as we usually called him) in Grade Four. He's Italian, plays guitar and has a great sense of humour. I do not recall why I knew I wanted him as my teacher that year, but I remember that I emphatically did, and when we went to school on the first day, his line was the first one I went to, desperately hoping my name would be on his roster. He turned around and my parents introduced themselves, and he looked right at me and said something along the lines of "yes! Rachel! You're part of us!" I was elated! That year ended up being a difficult year for me as it was the year my family found out we would be moving to the Netherlands. My folks left for 2 weeks for a go-see trip, and I bawled my eyes out in the hallway. Mr T helped calm me down then gave me things to work on that morning that would let me stay out of the mainstream while I pulled myself together.

Mr. Tirolese was awesome at keeping in touch with me over the years, and has become a good friend. In fact, he and his wife attended my wedding last year, and over the holidays my family and I were able to stay with them on our way up to celebrate the van Rossum family Christmas in Cambridge. It's been awesome having such a great role model in my life who has also become a good friend. Best. Teacher. Ever.

Best Christmas present you ever got.

2011-03-03T12:01:00.000-05:00

This one is a toughie, because I have friends and family who are quite simply AWESOME gift givers! I think one of the very best Christmas presents I ever got was a ring my parents bought me several years ago. I had just ended a very serious relationship and was struggling. They bought me a ring that was a custom piece meant to be a mini replica of an anniversary ring my father had given my mother. As a young teenager I had often asked to see that ring, and put it on my own hand (even though it was too big for my finger) and counted the stones and just admired it. When they got me the ring, they told me is was meant to be a reminder of how much my family loves me, even when I'm hurting. It meant so much to me. I go in phases wearing it, often times wearing it for months on end, then leaving it in the jewelry box for months before putting it back on, but whenever I do, I'm reminded of that love and support, and it always gives me a really great feeling inside.

Your favourite thing right now.

2011-03-02T13:41:00.000-05:00

My favourite thing right now is probably my kitties. I get bored and lonely a lot because I tend to spend most days cooped up in our apartment waiting for my husband to come home. Not that I don't have things I do, but I don't get out as much as I'm used to, and that can be very isolating. Our kitties keep me company and keep me severely entertained. Sure, sometimes I want to throw them out on the landing in a time out for awhile, but usually they're snuggly, warm, affectionate and very fun to be around. Smudge has really warmed up to the kittens and the three of them will play and snuggle and chase each other all over the apartment, which is hilarious to watch when they don't almost break things in doing so...!

15 Facts about you.

2011-03-01T10:24:00.000-05:00

1. I legally hold 3 citizenships. I am Canadian by birth, and have both American and Dutch citizenships (since birth) because of my parents. The laws changed after my brother was born, and we were both grandfathered in, which means as of yet none of our passport renewals have been rejected.

2. I have a fear and fascination with death. I am terrified of the idea of dying and leaving my loved ones behind, and equally terrified of them leaving me, yet I am fascinated by the unknown. Because of this I have a deep love for horror films and things that deal with death and the undead.

3. I don't want to go back to work. I have been unemployed for over a year now, and if there was a way I could become wealthy enough to never HAVE to work again, I would. I like having my freedom but I hate not knowing if we will be able to make it another 6 months on our savings. If the bills were paid without me being gainfully employed, I would probably spend more time on projects that I'm passionate about instead of worrying about the pay that does or doesn't come with it. I think I'd do a lot of pro bono event planning for non profits.

4. I love to travel. I got super spoiled in my last job because I got to travel A LOT on the company dime. Since I got laid off trips are far fewer and less extravagant. Thankfully there was a little bit of carryover after my layoff in that I had accumulated enough airmiles to afford a great honeymoon with my husband (also thanks to the generosity of some dear friends!) I have a list as long as my arm of the places I would still like to visit before I die... the top 3 of which are Australia/New Zealand, South Africa and New Orleans.

5. I hate my metabolism. I was blessed with a high one, which means I can eat anything I want and sit on my butt all day and not gain a pound. It may seem ungrateful to some, but I hate it because it sets me up for bad eating habits and a complete lack of motivation to stay fit. I'm in terrible shape and I have inexcusably high cholesterol for someone my age and size, yet the lack of physical signs of that in my outward appearance make it way too easy to forget and just keep on eating whatever, no matter how unhealthy it is. Not that I want to be fat, but if eating like crap made me put on even 10 lbs I bet I'd make better choices.

6. I am the crazy cat lady. I LOVE kitties. If I could keep panthers and tigers and mountain lions as pets I totally would. 3 is my limit as far as household pets, that keeps me busy enough and the expenses are still manageable, but if I had unlimited resources and unrestricted space I'd have a dozen I'm sure. I would love to be a position someday to foster kitties for a rescue agency while they wait for new homes.

7. I love unconditionally. In any relationship I have with another person, I have three modes. Hatred, indifference and love. Some people don't get that about me. They think if we've hung out once and I act like we're best friends that I'm being inauthentic, but if we hit it off, then I definitely hold them in high esteem and have deep emotional ties to them until they prove that they aren't worthy of that. In romantic relationships I have had my heart literally smashed to smithereens over and over because I simply don't know how to hold back when it comes to love. I don't mean I'm a smothering psycho, but I love deeply, wholly, and unconditionally. Until you prove you aren't worthy. My serious relationships that ended prior to meeting my husband did so in a single instant when something occurred that irrevocably told me that guy wasn't the one. In both cases I can name the instant, it's like a lightswitch in me or something. Up until that second, however I loved them completely. I am capable of loving many people very deeply (not romantically) and sometimes people don't get that. I don't care, I have been blessed with incredibly rich friendships because of it.

8. I believe that all human beings are equally deserving of love, respect and dignity. Discrimination based on anything outside of a personality trait bothers me beyond words. If you are a jerk to me, I get to discriminate against you in my own way. If you are gay, asian, autistic, rich, methodist, communist, whatever, that is no basis for treating someone any differently or with any less decency or respect as a human. I find it absurd that others think this is acceptable. I don't have to agree with your thought process or opinions, but I do not get to discount you as a person.

9. I don't know how I would cope without my cell phone and the internet for prolonged periods of time.

10. I get lonely when my husband goes to work. Even if I'm being social or hanging out with friends or family, I miss him a lot during the day.

11. Sometimes I feel like a fake. I do things pretty well and I'm a quick study, but my year long job search has made me feel less and less confident in my skills and ability. I worry that maybe I've just been getting by so well because people liked me. My educational background isn't in the field I was working in (not exactly) or in the field I wish to work in (though my masters is more in that field so I'm working on it) and that has been a barrier for me in a lot of the positions I've applied for. Sometimes I feel like now that I'm in the spotlight (with employers when I apply for positions) that they can see I've just been faking it all along and they don't want me. In my head I know that's not true, and I do work hard and I am smart, but as time wears on it takes it's toll on my self confidence.

12. I place a huge value on family. Having grown up moving around so much, my family was the only constant in my life for almost all of my life so far. As such, when things feel shaky in my family I panic. When my mum got sick, when my dad changed careers, when I feel like the stability in my family is threatened in any way (real or imagined) I freak out. I'm pretty good at hiding it (not healthy, I know this, I'm working on it) but it tends to throw me into overdrive in doing everything I can to "fix" things.

13. I speak 4 languages. English and French have been my staples, I became fluent in Dutch when we moved to Rotterdam, and I can get by in German. I've studied Italian and desperately want to master Spanish but I haven't been able to work up the motivation to study it on my own.

14. I love to cook. If it weren't for the types of hours and stress associated with the food industry I would consider becoming a chef. I love food, and I can't wait until finances allow me to go back to taking classes at culinary school for fun. I have a chef's jacket and a knife bag and I use them all the time. I love to go grocery shopping and to try out new techniques and recipes, I love learning how to use new ingredients and developing my palette and new flavour profiles. 90% of the time I would rather have friends over for dinner than go out to eat with them because it gives me an excuse to try something new.

15. I want to move back to Canada. The world is my home it seems, but lately I've been pining for my Canadian roots again. My husband and I have discussed it in passing before and he's open to the idea, but I'm scared of uprooting us right now, and I'm scared of doing it without my family. All of my big moves were always with them, and the thought of leaving them so far behind isn't something I'm prepared to face yet. So here we stay, but I hope someday I will get to move back.

Something that makes you sad.

2011-02-24T10:41:00.000-05:00

I wish I had something really profound to share for this topic, but the one thing that jumps to mind instantly is quite simply the loss of my Uncle Jim last August. I have posted and re-posted the Tribute I wrote to him after his death, and I read it probably almost once a week still. I write to his widow every month, I miss him terribly. I have lost 3 of my grandparents in my life so far, and Uncle Jim's seems to outweigh them all (not that I didn't love my grandparents, I've just been much closer to Uncle Jim growing up). Knowing that I'll never get to hug him again, sit down and have a great religious or philosophical discussion with him, or watch Aunt Pat roll her eyes at his bout of silliness breaks my heart over and over. I'm making my peace with his death, but it still makes me so sad. I miss him.

Last item you purchased.

2011-02-23T21:30:00.000-05:00

thank you, blog-of-the-day list, for reminding me of a purchase I meant to make earlier this week. :o) I just ordered a table top card rack for my photography business. I have mentioned before that I'm a photographer, and have my own business, Shutterbug Portraits & Design. I provide event and portrait photography for my clients, and also sell my work as framed photo art, calendars and note cards. I do a number of craft shows each year where I sell some of my stuff, and I've been looking for better display options for awhile. I finally found a table top rack that will allow me to display my note cards much better and take up way less space on the table (something that is sacred at a craft show!) I'm super excited to get it, as it will also help me get my inventory organised so I can tell what I do and don't have!

A photo of you without makeup.

2011-02-22T19:42:00.000-05:00

easy enough! I hardly ever wear makeup... even when I was working every day I hardly wore it (unless I woke up looking particularly exhausted...!) so most photos of me are me wearing no makeup. I stepped it up for this one though... no makeup, still in pjs, no contacts AND unwashed/unbrushed hair. Oh and I didn't brush my teeth yet either. Mostly I took this one coz I had zero photos of ME with our new kittens at this point (still only have a couple, way more of Austin with them!) I don't have anything against makeup, I wish I was better at using it, but I'm a pretty low-maintenance girl... I like to wash and wear so makeup doesn't tend to fit into that routine too well :o)

Talent you wish you had.

2011-02-21T14:30:00.000-05:00

On a normal weekend, I'm sure I would have a different answer to this question, though on a normal weekend I'm not sure what that different answer would have been. This weekend however, was not a normal weekend for me. If I could have hand picked a talent to have this weekend, it would have been the talent of bending the will of any computer to my own. I had so many technological issues this weekend... all induced by lack of time to properly set up my new hard drive, and working on a client project with a file nearing half a gig in size, which meant even the simplest action took about 35 minutes to complete. I ended up canceling plans I had, skipping errands I meant to run, and barely managing to feed myself because I was so absorbed in the computer.

I consider myself to be an above average computer user (my brother is an IT God and would never allow me to wallow in mediocrity... by his standards of course) but some things simply can't be helped by normal IT standards... hence the wishing I had the talent to simply dominate the computer with the power of my mind. :o) On the bright side, nothing is broken, and this week should give me time to work on reloading all of my normal programs and files onto the new drive... thereby preventing weekends like this from happening... at least for a very long time!

Meaning behind your blog name.

2011-02-19T20:38:00.000-05:00

The very first corporate job I ever had taught me a lot about myself. Mostly, it taught me that I am not well suited for your typical "corporate" setting. I don't like dress codes, I don't like sterile cubicles, I don't like people looking at you funny if you hug someone. I consider myself to be pretty professional, but my first corporate job played a big role in teaching me that I can be my own authentic brand of professional, that I don't have to fit the cookie cutter boring suit eating salad with bottled water. Over the course of that summer, I began defining my professional self. That meant finding ways to dress appropriately for work and still be comfortable, it meant letting other people see that I could give them a colouring book page I'd coloured on my lunch hour AND kill it in the board room. It also meant finding a way to sign my corporate, professional emails in a way that was authentic to me. My standard personal sign off "Hugs" wasn't professional enough, "Sincerely Yours" was boring, "Warm Regards" was sterile, just my name was cold. So I spent an afternoon pseudo meditating on the subject, and finally realised that if I could wish my colleagues anything, it would be happiness (many people in corporate jobs spend a lot of time looking grumpy!) and harmony (even more people in corporate jobs do NOT have enough balance in their lives!). So that became my sign off in all of my emails. This quickly spilled into my personal correspondence, and has become my mantra ever since. As the years progressed, those two little words have become an integral part of my personality and my "corporate self". In fact, there are people I have come in contact with who remember "Happiness & Harmony" before they remember my name!

When I decided to start a blog, it was only natural that my blog would be titled "Happiness & Harmony" :o)

Last book you read.

2011-02-18T20:58:00.001-05:00

The last book I read was The Girl Who Played With Fire by Stieg Larsson. As a rule, I am skeptical of "overnight bestsellers" but a few of my friends talked me into reading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, and I became obsessed with the characters. When I was reading The Girl Who Played With Fire, I would find excuses to take 2 hour long bubble baths so I could read uninterrupted. My husband would keep peeking in to make sure I was ok because I don't normally get to take baths and they certainly never last that long... I would actually have to rerun the water partway through so it'd be hot again :o)

I also discovered the Swedish movies based on the books, and was oddly disturbed to discover that I can somehow actually follow Swedish fairly well without reading the subtitles. It was a very trippy experience. I'm now halfway through The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, and looking for opportunities to justify those 2 hour baths again :o)

Something you refuse to do

2011-02-18T00:33:00.000-05:00

I have been considering this one all day. I've struggled with it because I don't tend to believe in absolutes. There are often times we may think we would never do something, and the circumstances change and there we are, doing exactly what we thought we would never do. When it comes to refusals... I find it difficult to pinpoint something because my crazy head will almost always come up with some insane scenario where that wouldn't necessarily be true.

That being said, I think the one thing that I feel comfortable saying invariably that I now and forever will refuse to do, is to intentionally put someone I love in harm's way. This means anything from emotional to psychological to physical harm. I tend to be a bit of a martyr when it comes to protecting those I love... often times to my own detriment, but I absolutely go out of my way to prevent my loved ones from being harmed. I honestly believe if someone were pointing a gun at someone I cared about, I would jump in front of it (I hope that is never tested, but it's 100% how I feel). This probably is not a healthy thing, and probably has some deep and twisted interpretation on my self-worth, if I'm willing to die for anyone I care about... but it's who I am, and how I view the world. When I love, I love all the way, and I don't want to see anyone I love hurting.

The best part of your day

2011-02-16T22:12:00.001-05:00

Austin and I had guests over tonight, and we were very excited... we love to entertain, so having people over is a big treat for us :o) We made pizza for the first time ever, from scratch (with dough Austin's granny made for us in her bread machine this week) and they turned out AWESOME... the best part of my day was making the pizzas with my husband before our guests arrived.

We took turns working with the dough, looking up tips online, saucing and adding the toppings... we had so much fun working together on it. It was neat. I am capable of sharing a kitchen with very few people. Austin is one of those people, so we really enjoyed ourselves :o)

Your Work Space

2011-02-16T00:20:00.000-05:00

I am unemployed. My husband would argue that I'm self employed, but that's only true sometimes, and it's not enough to pay the bills, and I'm on unemployment, so I'm unemployed with occasional bouts of self-employment :o)

I'm also a grad student. Which means I'm poor, I'm often up to my ears in reading and/or writing, and as a result can be very distracted at times. Our apartment has a really great office in it, we painted it all pretty and everything. I have a great desk and an awesome tech setup. And yet this is my work space. At least right now. The office I share with my husband more frequently acts as our "crap we need to get out of sight but don't have time to find a real place for yet" room. As a result, the door is often closed, and I always have to move at least 3 things out of the way to get at whatever I printed (my brother is an IT god so our apartment is also almost entirely wireless. I am so spoiled) Last week I was up to my eyeballs in a research paper for my last class (I only have one class per month, and it's an all weekend affair... like the reserves!) I was struggling with getting my thoughts focused on this thing, so this is what my husband came home to that day from work... I had completely taken over the dining space... table, floor and walls... flip charts, class handouts, inspirational quotes, the whole shebang. It was crazy.

Maybe I should make a goal of being able to repost this topic in a month, with a photo of our office back in functioning order!! :o)

Steal it Forward

2011-02-16T00:13:00.000-05:00

the bath thing worked. much better mood now :o)

Tonight I came across a blog that an old high school classmate of mine writes. Hers is similar to mine (in fact, it's the same template lol!) in that it's mostly just random musings. She stole this idea from someone, and I'm stealing it from her because I think it sounds fun!
---------
The idea is rather obvious, write a blog entry about the following topics:

Your work space.
The best part of your day.
Something you refuse to do.
Last book you read.
Meaning behind your blog name.
Talent you wish you had.
A photo of you without makeup.
Last item you purchased.
Something that makes you sad.
15 Facts about you.
Your favorite thing right now.
Best Christmas present you ever got.
Your favorite teacher.
Something you’re thankful for.
A photo from your childhood.
Something you crave.
Your worst hair moment (if you skip this one, it’s totally cool).
Favorite smells.
Last time you cried.
Last time you had to apologize to someone.
Something that scares you.
Something that really bugs you.
What you dislike most about your appearance.
Celebrity crush.
A trait you deplore in others.
A photo taken 10 years ago.
First book/movie/song that moved you.
What turns you off?
The story behind one of your scars.
This one was left blank so I will have to think of it when I get to it, unless anyone has a suggestion.

Baby if we're lost, then we're lost together

2011-02-15T20:16:00.000-05:00

We've been listening to Blue Rodeo A LOT these last few days.

Today I feel like I got a lot done, and yet I've barely crossed anything off my giant to do list (which is posted on a flipchart that hangs on our wall...) When I look at the things that are left on it I feel like none of them are worth starting this time of night and then I feel like I'm blowing it off. Ugh.

I had a pretty great day today, I'm not sure why I'm in such a yucky mood all of a sudden. Maybe I'll take a nice hot bubble bath and read for a bit to see if that helps, it often does. It's either that or turn on the tv and if I do that I'll be in front of it all night, something I'm trying hard to do less often. I don't really feel like working out, or like editing photos, or cleaning the office, so I guess I'll try the bath thing and if that doesn't help maybe I need to call it an early night and hope for a better mood when I wake up. Hmmm

Swing Low Sweet Charriot

2011-02-13T15:11:00.000-05:00

This song used to blaze through my mind regularly, and it's been a loooong time since I've heard it in my head. Today I opened the blog thinking "I haven't posted in a bit, I should post something" and there was the line.

It's been a crazy week... my poor husband is seeing a side of me neither of us would have expected he would... I've been in paper-writing mode. In September (the weekend before our wedding, mind you) I started back to school. I am in a Masters' program which meets one weekend a month. The structure works great for my schedule, but is also a challenge as it means we have about 2 weeks to complete all of our reading, pre-work and post-work. It's intense. This class' assignment was really giving me writers' block (never pretty) and I was soooo stressed out! I've completely monopolised all floor and wall space in our living area in the apartment, meaning he basically can access one armchair and footstool if he wants to sit in there and do anything. He finally cleared off the couch so he could watch tv if he wants, but other than that, I've taken over. He's also had a few days off work in this time frame, meaning I've become pretty irritable since he's home trying to stay out of my way while still being bored and wanting to chat or hang out or go do something with me... something I've had no time for. Needless to say I've snapped at him a few times, and have certainly let more than a couple sarcastic retorts slide out of my mouth. He's been a trooper though, and since the paper is due tomorrow, this too shall pass. Until next month.

It has been nice these past few days, however, as I've been in the "editing & feedback" part of my paper which means I sit back and wait for responses from my friends who are reading it for me, and I've had a little time to reclaim my sanity. My dad's been a dear and let me borrow his car this weekend, meaning I have been able to LEAVE THE APARTMENT!!! and run some errands as I felt like it. In fact, after posting this, I'll be heading out to get a few errands taken care of before Austin gets home from work (he was supposed to work at 2.30 today. He got there only to be informed they didn't need him after all and why doesn't he come back tomorrow morning instead. Would be awesome if it wasn't a 45 min drive each way... we were both a little annoyed, gas is expensive!)

Well I guess I don't have a whole lot to say really, just felt like reaching out into cyberspace to see what's up with everyone.

testing

2011-01-27T21:14:00.001-05:00

So i just downloaded a blogger app on my phone, seeing if it works!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

Simon Says...

2011-01-26T10:54:00.000-05:00

"get me the *(^##&^@ out of here!!!!"

Yep, Simon got a bath today, and I am sure paying for it. Everything was fine until he went in the litter box... I don't know what he ate that made this such an incredible mess, but he came out stinking so bad it triggered my gag reflex, and then plopped his little body down in the middle of the kitchen floor to try and clean himself off. Gross on more levels than I care to explore... so I thought the sink might be the least intimidating for him... after he nearly clawed all of the skin off my right palm I decided screw the sink, too many ways out. I threw him in the tub (empty!) and closed the door (the only time I've been thankful for a door on our tub instead of a curtain!) while I tried to undo the damage in the kitchen. I then found the one old rag we have and shampooed it up, knowing that I stood a better chance of rubbing him down with a rag than with my hand and a squeeze bottle of shampoo... at least there would be a layer between his claws and my skin...

I pray to god I got the worst of it out of his fur because I will not be making a second attempt today, that's for sure! Poor kitty was traumatised, as were the other two who came running the second I opened the bathroom door - presumably to recover the body of their fallen brother.

I've stopped bleeding, but the apartment still stinks, and Simon keeps giving me the death stare. I'm still not sure he's clean, but he's at least cleaner than before we started this mess. *sigh*

Shot Through the Heart

2011-01-24T23:06:00.000-05:00

Last night I received an email from my aunt asking for prayers for a friend of hers. Her friend's 18 year old son had been missing overnight, and they had been informed that he had left 2 suicide notes with friends. Tonight we received a follow up from my aunt that they found what they believe to be his body (or remains) and pending DNA confirmation, a devastated family of (now) 4 will have bury their son/brother.

I don't know these people. I have never met them, I have never heard their names, but I grieve for them tonight. I have been so blessed in my life to have never been directly impacted by the suicide of a loved one, but I have been indirectly impacted a few times, and it's never easy. I have no idea what this boy's situation was, I have no concept of what drove him to act so selfishly (I'm sorry, in my opinion suicide is always selfish... some cases it may be more justified than others, but it is always selfish), but I absolutely am devastated for his family... he left behind shell shocked parents, an older brother (21) and a younger brother (7). I cannot begin to image the pain and terror this family will have to process over the rest of their lives, or how they will find the strength to pull what's left of their family together to get through this horror.

I have very few outlets to deal with the way these things impact me, especially when they are so indirect... so here's my outlet for tonight. Healing and Harmony to all those touched by the loss of this life... and an outpouring of love and affirmations to anyone who may be struggling with thoughts of suicide themselves... there is help out there, and no matter how much you may feel no one cares, or that you are too much of a burden to those you love... I promise you that you're wrong. Find the help, hold out your hand and let those who love you see you through the darkness. Please don't punish them this way.

annoyance --> insanity

2011-01-19T23:45:00.000-05:00

I love kitties. I love kittens. I love my husband. Tonight I am desperately fighting the urge to set up the aero bed out on the landing for the night. The cats won't stop chasing each other ALL OVER, digging through the recycling, clawing up my craft projects and my hands... my husband was great until he decided to give me crap about the stuff I haven't put away yet, when he does it all the time too and I never say boo about it... then did the one thing he knows pisses me off before going to bed to read.

So I'm trying to regroup in my head, to refocus my anger and frustrations and to find an internal happy place. The fact that my shoulder has been killing me all week isn't helping.

Grrr...

annoyances

2011-01-19T16:28:00.000-05:00

well I just had my very first day in court. it was crappy. Back in December I received a ticket which was considered "impeding traffic" for parking crooked in a parking space... WITHIN THE PAINTED LINES. Granted, it was not the most beautiful park job in the world, I was crooked in the space, but I was IN THE SPACE. When I called to find out how much the fine was for, they told me $55 because it was impeding traffic. I immediately requested a court date, because I was WITHIN THE PAINTED LINES...!!!! The judge was willing to reduce the fine to $30 but wouldn't let me off completely because the officer stated he had to change lanes in order to get around the vehicle. I do not think the officer lied, I fully believe he changed lanes. I know factually it was not necessary to do so in order to avoid hitting my car. Ridiculous.

No real point to this post other than to vent, because I need to move past it so I can focus on my stupid paper that's due tomorrow... I've finished reading ONE of our 20 reading assignments and the paper calls for focus on 5... meaning I still have a whole lot of reading to do before I can even start writing. Grrrrrr...

ok, time to purge and restart.

Sick Days

2011-01-15T19:54:00.000-05:00

Yesterday and today were sick days for me (which is usually made easier by being unemployed...). On the down side, I've felt like crap and had to cancel some really fun plans I had for the weekend, including a really big gig Austin had last night down in Battle Creek that I'd been looking forward to all month. Also an IKEA trip with JennJenn today that I've been wanting to do since like October. On the plus side, I've gotten a lot of sleep, quite a bit of homework done, lots of kitty snuggle time (with all three kitties!) and almost caught up on my letter writing project; Mission 2001: 365 Letters.

Austin finally made it home this afternoon and we've been watching movies ever since. We started with A Mighty Wind - a treat I got us when I found a used copy on Amazon for (wait for it...) $0.11... I KNOW!! Now we're rounding the bend on Star Wars: Episode IV. This one takes me back... I watched Star Wars so many times growing up - eternal classics, I'm so glad to finally own a set!!

Poor Austin has to go to work tonight at 01.30... I hope it won't be too long of a job for him. I can't believe how late it feels right now (only 19.00 as I write this). We have to keep our blinds closed most of the time to help keep the cold air out (our windows are nearly prehistoric!) so it always feels darker than it is anyway. Add onto that the fact that I've been in my pjs and on the couch all day, and I feel like it should be almost midnight.

I'm hoping to be feeling better by tomorrow... a good friend of mine from high school is getting married and tomorrow is her bridal shower. I really don't want to have to scrap the entire weekend so I'm really hoping to make it to that!

Kitty Love

2011-01-10T11:41:00.000-05:00

For those of you who haven't heard the news yet, Austin & I adopted two ADORABLE kittens last week! We went to the Humane Society with the intent of adopting one playmate for Smudge who has been terribly lonely since we moved her into the apartment with us (she's used to sharing a home with four adults another cat and a golden retriever!) When we arrived we were instantly drawn to this playful stripey kitten named Jude (we kept his name), but he was in a kennel with another little kitten... a black fluffy thing who is now named Simon (the name they gave him was dumb so we changed it) Austin didn't like the idea of separating brothers, so when I suggested we look at some of the other kitties there, he asked "why don't we just get them both?" First I felt his forehead for a fever, then I asked him to repeat himself, then I asked if he was serious. For a man who has resisted and resisted me on getting another cat, he was now suggesting we adopt two! Needless to say, we are now a 3 cat home... and I'm thrilled :o) Simon & Jude are so much fun to watch and snuggle with, and Smudge is actually almost getting along with them already! It's been one of the smoothest critter transitions I've ever witnessed, I'm so excited by it! The boys go to the vet this afternoon for their first post-adoption check up, and I'm glad for it as they've been sneezing a LOT and I think they may have picked up upper respiratory infections at the Humane Society (very common in kennel situations) I just want to get it under control before Smudge picks it up too!

Momma Catz - Smudge!

the babies... Jude (bottom) and Simon (top)

Patience

2010-12-09T11:31:00.000-05:00

Well this morning marked my first job interview in almost 7 months. While I think I did the best that I could have (we can always critique and tweak, but I think I did just fine) I had a really really hard time reading the interviewers, so I walked out of their office feeling really unsure of how it went. We shall see. They are hoping to extend an offer to a candidate before they close up shop for Christmas, with the intent of the new employee starting in January, so that would be a good set up if I get it. I'm hopeful, but I certainly don't feel like I've got it in the bag, so to speak.

Thankfulness part quatro

2010-11-23T11:01:00.000-05:00

Today I am thankful for OUR COUCH!!!! My husband's aunt is moving and offered us her loveseat. We had not yet purchased a couch and I have sorely been missing having one. Our options for snuggling while watching a movie are a pile of blankets craning our necks to see over the coffee table, or cramming into an armchair. Both options are only comfortable for about 30 minutes. Needless to say I am SOOOOOOO thankful to have a couch now :o)

Thankfulness pt drie

2010-11-22T09:29:00.000-05:00

Today is a dreary, dreary day in Detroit. It's wet and grey and I don't like it. I'm already sleepy and this weather just makes me want to crawl right back into bed and stay there the rest of the day!

Instead, I am choosing to be productive! Today I am thankful for my love and (if I may say so) talent for cooking. Days like today are also excellent comfort food days, which means I'm seriously considering hitting up the grocery store and trying out one of my new soup recipes that I just discovered... cooking is very therapeutic for me. I love being in the kitchen and smelling the smells, tasting the ingredients as they go in and come together in a beautiful meal, and I love the joy it brings to those who eat it. My husband and I have been trying to get into healthier eating habits and so it poses a challenge to me when I'm cooking to make better choices when I plan out the meal, or decide whether or not to add more salt or butter or what have you. It's also reawakened my love of veggies... I just wish we could find a good local farmer's market or something rather than having to spend a ton of money at a gourmet grocery store for nutritious and fresh produce!

Thankfulness pt. deux

2010-11-21T09:45:00.000-05:00

Today I woke up before the alarm. This has happened in my life approximately never. Ok maybe once. I have been under a lot of stress the last several months, and it has taken a toll on my sleeping. I don't remember waking up one single time last night, until I woke up a little before the alarm was set to go off. I feel great! My husband and I enjoyed some time together watching The Sting, sorting through the paper and eating breakfast. Now it's time to get ready for church, something I haven't done in awhile but promised my mum I would this week, so it's been a nice morning. Not rushed, not stressed, very enjoyable, and I am thankful for it!

Thankfulness

2010-11-20T16:37:00.000-05:00

So those of you who know me know that when it comes to Thanksgiving, I'm not generally a fan. Thanksgiving in my family has never been a huge thing, sure we do the meal and dress up, but my thanksgivings usually held more frustration and boredom than cozy happy memories, so in general, I'm more of a Chandler when it comes to the day of the turkey.

This year I'm trying to make it better, even though I probably won't see my husband most of the day since he'll be setting up and tearing down the local parade downtown, so instead I'll be at my aunts most likely eating and trying to avoid being sucked into getting my butt beat sorely by my younger cousin on the Wii.

In an effort to show that I'm growing as a person, I'm going to try and post a daily entry from now until thanksgiving reflecting on the purpose behind the holiday and what I can be thankful for in my own life.

So today, I am thankful for my wonderful husband. He has been a real support for me during my tumultuous past months, and I really truly enjoy his company. He's been sick the last few days, but not so sick that he isn't bored out of his mind, so we've spent a lot of time together with me trying to keep him entertained. He loved my 30 second pantomime of Macbeth start to finish, we read Paul McCartney's High in the Clouds together, and today I played my guitar (first time in years!) while he told me which chords came next for Rachel's Song. I'm thankful that I have him in my life, and my love for him grows daily.

I'm in a Book!

2010-11-19T23:37:00.001-05:00

my dear friend and long time photography mentor, Jim Doty Jr. has published a book, and I'm in it! He told me about the book this past spring, and had me officially sign off on the possibility of having my photo included in the final copy. He did NOT tell me it was in the "for Dummies" series and actually a super huge deal!! I'm so proud of him! I haven't been in a store yet to see the photo of me, but he told me it's in there, so check it out. And my photog friends pick up a copy of the book, I will be!

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0470647620/jimdotycom-20

Changes Part 1

2010-11-16T22:32:00.000-05:00

So I've felt a burning need to make some changes in my life recently (like I haven't had enough I guess?). I guess I've been feeling the need to make tangible changes that I can control completely because there has been so much chaos in my life these past several months. In that spirit, I bought myself some hair dye the other day, and tonight was the night! It's a bit darker than I expected it to be, so we'll see how it looks in a few days (it's supposed to be a dark auburny red but it kinda looks black with a red tinge at the moment). In any case it made a difference, even if I'm still the same person on the inside, it helped shift my mood a bit and for that I'm glad.

new directions

2010-11-05T12:06:00.000-04:00

given the chaos that has been my life these past several months, I have done some reflecting on the use and purpose of this blog. I used to be really into journaling. It was a great form of therapy for me, and I used to use blogs with a similar intent. As I shifted the focus of this blog to my photography, I felt I lost the ability to use it as a journaling platform as I try to keep a relative separation between personal and professional spheres. As a result, I have created a new photography blog to share with you all and invite you to check it out at
http://shutterbugdesign.blogspot.com/

I'm hoping it will become a far more interactive forum for my artsy community friends, and invite you to post your reactions, own related works, etc to help us all continue to grow, learn, and be inspired by each other! This blog will return to being a more private forum where I can share updates on my life with friends and family, and vent when I need to about various life issues, without feeling like I am alienating my professional sphere.

Thanks for your readership and bloggy friendship, I hope to see you at the new spot!

A Tribute

2010-08-31T11:51:00.000-04:00

Welcome back readers. I apologise for the very long break I've taken from this blog, and warn you that it will continue for at least a couple of months after this posting, but I am trying to decide exactly what I want to do with this space and haven't quite settled yet. Also, with grad school, my wedding and honeymoon all taking place in the next 4 weeks, I'm kinda preoccupied.

I did however want to post this very special tribute as an additional outlet for me to process some of the stuff I've been going through this past week. We received word on Friday evening that Jim Long had passed away. For my family this was unexpected news, we'd known he was struggling with some health issues but had no idea it was life threatening and were completely shocked to receive the phone call.

"Uncle Jim" as I've called him my whole life was one of the most influential people in my life. He and Aunt Pat were the couple that I have always held all of my relationships up against to measure them by. They had a beautiful and glowing marriage that will continue to serve as an example to me as I embark on my own marriage in just a few weeks. I always have told people I want to be old and in love just like them.

Uncle Jim was a scholar, a philosopher, a lover and a pillar of strength in my eyes. He was a profound minister of the love of Christ and always served as a reminder to me of God's presence in my every day life. Not many people do that for me these days. He had a wonderful sense of humour and adored his wife infinitely and unconditionally. He was wise, and had amazing ways of sharing his life lessons with me without judgment and with respect and love. He taught me new ways of thinking and always reminded me to consider all angles of an issue, even if I disagree with many of the angles. He always put a human face on everything, making it much more difficult to be self-righteous and arrogant when discussing and debating issues.

In trying to process my grief at losing him, I haven't been able to determine which I am more heartbroken over, having lost him, or that Aunt Pat has lost him. The two were inseparable. They worked together, played together, ministered together... everything together. I'm sure they fought, I'm sure they bickered and disagreed and got on each others' nerves, but their love was what always shone through no matter what. When they look at each other (well into their 70s) you saw a love and devotion that most people only dream of. The deepness and richness of their relationship is unlike anything I have ever witnessed, they were the very definition of soul mates. The thought of her without him brings tears to my eyes.

I know Uncle Jim would scoff (lovingly) at me sharing any of this, he was an extraordinarily humble man, but I know that if I were to tell him how much it meant to me to share it, and how I needed to do so in order to deal with my own grief he would pat my shoulder and tell me that I need to do what's in my heart.

Thursday I will travel with my family to Toronto to attend his memorial service. It will be a short and exhausting trip, we're making many sacrifices to go. Not because it's expected or demanded of us, but because for our own selfish needs we need to be there. I feel like it's the only way I'll be able to believe he's really gone, and that I won't be seeing him again. It's the only way I'll be able to express my love and compassion for Aunt Pat. I've cried a lot since Friday. I expect that's not going to end anytime soon. Uncle Jim was a beloved mentor to me, and I feel I have a hole in my heart where he has left this earth. Over time there will be healing and harmony, but today, this week, there is only sorrow.

Rest in Peace Uncle Jim, I love you so much and am so grateful for the love you have given me in my life.

Senior Portraits

2010-05-23T20:06:00.000-04:00

I have now had the pleasure of working with two outstanding seniors to shoot their senior portraits and had an absolute blast doing so! I thought I would share a couple of them with my readers before I get the portfolio album available online... you can view a larger sampling on our facebook page too!

I am still offering graduating seniors the opportunity to earn free portraits from me, so if you know someone in the Detroit Area who would like to earn a little cash and help me spread the word about what I do, send them my way!

Present for Baby

2010-05-17T12:01:00.001-04:00

Attended a baby shower over the weekend for a good friend. Made a few onesies as a gift along with a bib and was really pleased with the way they turned out. This one I've done similar designs before, but added the piggy bank on the back, think I like that better than previous versions. Need to get the new designs up on the storefront, but wanted to share here also :o)

Life updates

2010-05-11T14:10:00.000-04:00

So I know I don't actually "blog" much... and haven't really for years minus the photo of the day bit, but I'm feeling the need so enjoy or skip, it's entirely up to you :o)

Well I've been busy these past few weeks! I attended this year's Community of Christ World Conference for a week in Independence, MO. It was great to get down there again! Ever since my dad stopped working for the church full time I've really been out of the social loop and it was really awesome to reconnect with so many old friends that I hadn't seen in 5-6 years! My mum and I were there together while the guys held down the fort at home. We stayed with our old neighbours from when we lived down there and my girl Erin was actually living back home so I was *thrilled* to spend some time catching up with her!

Getting back threw me back into the chaos that has become my life these past few months... working at the store, catching up on time with Austin, pursuing job leads (still no success on that front) and trying to get new photography clients to boost the income while I'm job hunting. Thankfully I've been able to use wedding plans to distract me enough to keep from getting depressed and completely overwhelmed.

Austin and I have made really good progress and are actually almost completely done with the major planning components! The last big one is just nailing down the catering details. We know exactly what we want we're just trying to determine the best way of getting it :o) We've got the florist, all the musicians, the tent with table & chairs setup, the bulk of the decorations, and (of course!) the photographer, so I feel really really good about it all. Our good friends Steve & Cherry (who are officiating at the wedding) were up for a long weekend (left today) and spent some time with us going through some of the pre-marital discussions, etc and that was great. Very reassuring :o) It was wonderful to spend some time with them for a few days without worrying about Austin's music schedule and meetings... they live just outside Nashville and we normally stay with them on our trips down there.

My job search continues and I try hard not to get too depressed about it. I've only had one interview, and several rejection letters, but even more "no responses" which sucks. I believe the right one is out there for me, but with a wedding and whole new life fast approaching it sometimes seems much tougher to stay positive. I'll get there eventually. In the meantime I'm working a few days a week cashiering at a local grocery chain, and also continuing to work on getting new photography clients (have a couple lined up for next month so that's encouraging!)

I officially applied for grad school yesterday. It's scary and exciting all at once. I'm not sure if I will be accepted, or if I will be able to come up with the funding even if I am accepted, but it's a step in the right direction I think. I'm excited about the possibilities and hope it works out. The program is a Masters of Social Justice at Marygrove College in Detroit. We shall see what happens.

Well I think I've wasted enough of my day now, time to get back to my to do list :o) Tough with all this rain though that's for sure! Definitely a curl up in bed with a blanket, hot tea and good book kind of day here in the D. Ah well... onward!

Taking a Break

2010-04-08T22:44:00.000-04:00

Hello dear readers! Just wanted to let everyone know that I will be taking a break from the blog while I gear up for and attend my church's world conference! I'm hoping to have great photo opps while I'm there, so there will be plenty of new material for the blog when I get back! Wishing everyone a wonderful week!

Garden Days

2010-04-05T06:00:00.000-04:00

I love spring! Ok honestly I love all seasons... but spring always bring such freshness and colour! This photo was taken in our garden last year. The birdbath was a gift from my aunt and uncle awhile ago and it tends to migrate through the yard from year to year depending on what dad's decided to do that year. He's so great with gardening and landscaping, so the yard always looks stellar! I'm really looking forward to seeing what he does this year :o) And to starting our vegetable garden!

Boo Radley's Apple Tree

2010-04-04T06:00:00.009-04:00

I love apples. Especially McIntosh apples. These apples are not McIntosh apples, but they are happy and bright looking apples so I'm sharing them with you all! I took this photo in Dearborn at the end of last summer while I was shooting an event for a client... who says I can't build my portfolio, my blog and my business all at once? :o)

Greasy Webs

2010-04-03T06:00:00.012-04:00

Spiderwebs are super cool, and can be very tricky to capture in a photo. This particular one looked as though it had been sprayed with a very fine mist of grease and then coated in dust... or something. It looked sooo funky I just had to hang out for awhile and shoot until I came up with this shot. It was taken in Redford at one of Austin's gigs last summer.

Wedding Venue Sneak Peek

2010-04-02T06:00:00.015-04:00

This is where Austin and I will be getting married in September (without the garbage can chillin' stage left...) It may not be the most impressive work of photography, but it was the best church photo I could dig up for a Good Friday shot to share with you... since I'm sick in bed and can't go digging in my office to find some of my older work. I'm excited about the wedding and this building is so beautiful, so I'm glad we were able to settle on it for the ceremony. Anyway, here's your sneak peek on that :o) Wishing you all a lovely Easter Weekend, stay tuned!

April Showers

2010-04-01T13:10:00.000-04:00

This photo was taken on Mackinac Island last spring. It was FREEZING on the island that weekend but I still managed to get some nice springy shots like this one. All the rain made for some vibrant colours and fun water droplets on the flowers. I may be sick in bed today, but still looking forward to the patterns of spring emerging!

Photo of the Day: I'm a Pepper

2010-03-31T06:00:00.010-04:00

I have a passion for food. I have a passion for cooking. I have a passion for fresh produce. This photo is a tribute to all three of these. :o) Jared and I have had a garden for several years now and we always grow lots of varieties of peppers. I love using them to make fresh salsa and putting them in sauces, stir fries, etc. I really should learn not to post food photos unless I have a snack in front of me, because they always make me hungry! :o)

Photo of the Day: Your Moment of Zen

2010-03-30T10:00:00.000-04:00

This zen pile of rocks was sitting along the banks of one of the rivers running through the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee. Austin and I stopped to take some photos and discovered a whole group of these little towers. Very zen, loved it.

Photo of the Day: Sewer Flora

2010-03-29T06:00:00.016-04:00

I am always intrigued by plants that are able to grow in seemingly impossible places. I always find them inspirational in a way. When I lived in the Journey House, we had a plant growing up through a crack in the fireplace for awhile. I can't recall if I ever did get a photo of it or not, but it was super cool, I used to stare at it for hours instead of studying, lol!

Photo of the Day: Geometry

2010-03-28T06:00:00.006-04:00

This photo was taken in an airport. I honestly can't remember which one now... but I was on a layover and just loved this terminal. It let in so much light and had such a neat effect, it was almost even a little dizzying but I still liked it :o)

Photo of the Day: No Painted Ponies Here!

2010-03-27T06:00:00.005-04:00

Downtown Detroit has really worked hard over the last decade to revitalize the downtown area and create a place that people WANT to go, and feel safe and comfortable doing so. One of the things they did was create the Riverfront which includes beautiful fountains, landscaping, walking paths, etc, and this very cool Michigan carousel. All of the creatures are native to Michigan's wetlands and marshlands (even the mermaid lol!)

Photo of the Day: Mossy Spokes

2010-03-26T06:00:00.006-04:00

I've posted photos taken in Tennessee before, and this one goes with that collection :o) This was taken on a hike in the Smoky Mountains with Austin on one of our trips down there. I love moss, always have. I used to find a patch of it while playing outside somewhere and make up entire worlds that lived within it. I LOVED this tree and the way the branches were 'spoking' out from the trunk. The moss, of course, sealed the deal for me!

Photo of the Day: Gilded Glory

2010-03-25T06:00:00.005-04:00

So normally I would say there is definitely such thing as too much gold leaf. This cathedral however proved me wrong :o) This is a cathedral in Mexico City I had the pleasure of touring on a business trip a few years back. The beauty of the architecture was simply intensified by the colour and beauty of the Mexican culture influencing it. I could have spent hours there :o)

Photo of the Day: Recycling Shells

2010-03-24T06:00:00.007-04:00

This photo was taken in Orlando at a hotel whose walls were treated with crushed seashells which was awesome :o) Think stucco but with shells. Anyway I loved the curve the fisheye gave the wall which usually trips people out and makes them not able to see what they're looking at.

Hanging Lights

2010-03-23T06:00:00.009-04:00

This photo was taken at the International Auto Show several years back. I love going because of the details they usually put into the displays. I love light, so the cluster of light fixtures made me happy :o)

Photo of the Day: the Palace needs a Queen :o)

2010-03-22T06:00:00.013-04:00

Today's post is sending out positive vibes that I will be getting a call this week from the Palace of Auburn Hills regarding good news about a potential job! I had an interview there last week that I think went very well, but there would be definite pros and cons should I even get an offer, so I'm hoping they are interested enough to at least take me to the next step in the process before I'd have to make a decision! I love the Palace, and I love the energy there, so here's hoping I get to be a part of it in the future as more than a fan in the stands! :o)

Photo of the Day: Shutters 2 Ways

2010-03-21T20:42:00.000-04:00

This photo was taken at one of our former fave locales (it's no longer in business, we were crushed!). The awnings over their windows were made from old shutters which I thought was super super cool. Unfortunately I couldn't get a good angle to capture the colours as vibrantly as I would have liked, but this at least gives you a feel for the coolness of the shutter awning :o)

Photo of the Day: Soaring Dreams

2010-03-20T06:00:00.007-04:00

I have a few photos of soaring birds that I have been able to capture. This one however is one that encompasses so much more than just the bird. I love the sky in the background. I also love the way the light is hitting the gull so starkly, creating such drama. This photo makes me feel so uplifted... and helps me to focus on achieving dreams. I hope it does the same for you!

Photo of the Day: New Threads

2010-03-19T06:00:00.011-04:00

I am so very much looking forward to seeing my wedding gown all finished! This photo was taken in a dutch market, but the sharing of this photo was inspired by my excitement over my gown :o) For those of you who don't know, I decided to repurpose my mum's gown, and my aunt is the one performing this labour of love for me! We're keeping the same basic structure, just updating some of the fabrics (read: less lace!). This was never a dream of mine, or of my mothers, but we're both very excited about it. It's going to be gorgeous :o) For the sewers out there, I hope you enjoy the photo, for the brides out there, I hope you enjoy the story :o)

Photo of the Day: Bridal Glow

2010-03-18T06:00:00.009-04:00

Today's photo was taken at my cousin's bridal shower many years ago (weird that it was so long ago now!) By now my more dedicated readers should know of my obsession with candles :o) I just like this photo so I'm sharing it... no real back story here.

Photo of the Day: Taste the Rainbow

2010-03-17T06:00:00.018-04:00

I do love skittles... for the record. But I also love rainbows... a fact about myself I had somehow forgotten until I met my friend Erica and she was a rainbow enthusiast as well! This rainbow was captured in Alaska while I was out on the lake in a paddle boat... or a canoe... I don't really remember which... with my friend Bryan from Georgia. I was so excited at the size of it... it took up almost the entire sky! Of course, this was also before I had my fish eye lens so I could only capture so much of it.

Photo of the Day: Goodnight Moon

2010-03-16T06:00:00.015-04:00

Today's Photo was taken in Myrtle Beach, SC. I was so excited that the moon came through in it relatively clearly (I have really bad luck with moon photos). It was shot just after sunrise when the moon was already beginning to fade. Ever since I was very young I can always remember the moon being a real source of comfort because no matter what, I could almost always see it if I looked hard enough for it.

A Birthday Tribute: My Baby Brother

2010-03-15T06:00:00.015-04:00

Today my baby brother turns 25 years old! It seems impossible. Funny isn't it how we can age ourselves, but those around us getting older seems outrageous? Yeah, Jared makes me feel that way a lot. This photo (I'm sure I didn't take it) was taken in our house in London, Ontario... must have been shortly after we moved there since we hadn't replaced the orange shag carpeting yet... :o) I used to call Jared Fox Eyes when he was younger because he had these dark brown eyes that were in perpetual slits because he was always grinning like this. He also had fiery red hair when he was younger (my mum has a ton of red in her hair, it just hides well) which added to the whole fox look in my head. Anyway, I've blogged before on how much I love my brother, but I wanted to take today's entry to just remind him of that and wish him a very very happy birthday. Here's to the next 25 J... I love you!

Photo of the Day: Blue Skies

2010-03-14T06:00:00.007-04:00

This photo was taken during a shutterbug frenzy at sunrise in Myrtle Beach on a little girls' weekend I took with my mum. I loved the way the sky looked absolutely painted and was so pleased when the photo captured that feel as well.

Photo of the Day: Oh the Incredible Edible Egg

2010-03-13T06:00:00.009-05:00

I LOVE breakfast food. A lot. There was a time when I kept a minimum of 12 varieties of cereal in my kitchen at all times. I love my eggs sunny side up with super runny yolks to dip my toast in. I love extra crispy bacon. I love pancakes. I will not leggo your eggo because I am going to eat it. Today's photo is a tribute to BREAKFAST. :o) I shot this in a dutch market on one of my trips back after we moved to Michigan.

Photo of the Day: Loony Tunes

2010-03-12T06:00:00.013-05:00

There are few sounds in this world that absolutely dissolve me. One of those sounds is the cry of the loon. It is a sound so primal and so full of depth, it stirs something deep in me. It also makes me feel so homesick it's ridiculous. I was fortunate enough to fall asleep to those sounds again 5 years ago when I went to Alaska with my family for a church camp. That's also where I took this photo. This loon was searching for food and diving down occasionally after fish. This shot was taken just as he was about to dive again.

Photo of the Day: Graduation Day

2010-03-11T06:00:00.012-05:00

This photo was taken at my mothers' MBA graduation. The chairs were waiting (as were we) for the graduates to enter the hall and take their seats. We were all so incredibly proud of her... she worked so hard to get to this point, and graduated Suma Cum Laude (show off!) ;o) I loved the contrast in the colours and the uniformity of the chairs. The photo itself really evokes a lot of those emotions for me so I hope you like it :o)

Photo of the Day: Rock Gods

2010-03-10T06:00:00.013-05:00

One of my all time fave local bands is the Orbitsuns. Austin opens for them regularly, and I think all of their members have at one time or another done studio work for Austin, and he also shares the stage with them almost anytime we go to a show. I took this photo at one of their shows, showing off Vinnie Dombroski's famous arm and his Orbitsuns guitar. I really love watching Vin on stage, he is a true master entertainer.

Photo of the Day: Yay I'm a Llama Again!

2010-03-09T06:00:00.012-05:00

Anyone who knows me should know that The Emperor's New Groove is one of my all time favourite movies. This is also the reason for my obsession with llamas, and the reason my pet turtle was named Kronk. If you haven't seen this movie, you must. Don't bother with the sequels, I haven't, but see the original. Right now.

That being said, I took this photo in Dexter, MI when my roommate at the time took me to her hometown for a day and we hung out doing all kinds of fun stuff, including searching out a llama farm for me to oggle the llama faces and take a bunch of photos :o) I loved this one particularly because it looked so much like the llama was grinning at me.

Photo of the Day: Changing Faces

2010-03-08T06:00:00.009-05:00

I recently spent the weekend in Ohio visiting my 4.5 year old goddaughter. I remembered thinking as she was developing from infant to toddler to child that she would be like me in that her face was changing so much from year to year... but then I came across these photos from her baptism... and her face hasn't changed nearly as much as I perceived at the time. She has the exact same eyes and smile (although she has teeth now lol!) Kids are one of my very favourite portrait subjects because I feel they usually wear their souls out on their sleeves, making them super easy to capture. Nat is no exception... her eyes tell you everything!

Photo of the Day: Flashback

2010-03-07T21:16:00.000-05:00

One of the few things about cars that I find even remotely interesting are the shapes and colours of cars from the 1950s. This car was on display at the Henry Ford Museum when I went a few years back. I loved the way the cars back then looked like they were trying to fly... very Jetsons :o)

Photo of the Day: Cuppa Joe

2010-03-04T11:22:00.000-05:00

Today's photo is an effort to wake myself up, even though I don't drink coffee! I've just been dragging all week for some reason... guess I haven't been sleeping well the last few nights. Anyway this photo was taken at a little cafe this summer when I was there with my mum and dad for breakfast. I was in a severe shutterbug mood and this coffee was literally steaming... if you look closely near the rim of the mug you can see some of the wisps of steam. Wishing you all far more energy than I seem to be able to muster today... here's to nothing but improvement!

Photo of the Day: Ampelmann

2010-03-02T06:00:00.000-05:00

Today's entry is dedicated to my sweet baby darlin'. When we were in Berlin in 2008 he LOVED the Ampelmann (that's the name they have for the little dude on the crosswalk signs...) He wears a hat, which I think is uber cool :o) Anyway I took this photo on one of my many stints in Berlin and just liked the lines of the shot more than anything else, so I thought I'd share!

Photo of the Day: Catnap

2010-03-01T06:00:00.007-05:00

I've really been missing my kitties lately. For the really dedicated readers, you may recall that two of my cats ran away last spring (Herman & Fowler). The last couple of weeks I've been thinking about them A LOT and wishing we just knew for sure if someone had taken them in and ignored the fact that they had homes, or if something awful happened or they lost their collars and got picked up by a shelter or WHAT... anyway, I thought I'd post this photo today of Herman taking a snooze on our rocking chair, one of his favourite places to relax... I remember searching for my camera to take this praying he wouldn't move because I was cracking up at the way he had his face smashed into the cushion and really wanted to capture it! So glad I did... miss you boys, hope you find your way home again someday!

Photo of the Day: Feets

2010-02-28T06:00:00.006-05:00

I love unusual portrait requests! Last year I went down to Ohio to visit my goddaughter and her parents and while I was there they asked me to take some family portraits for them. Of course I was more than happy to do so, since I love them so much and since they gave me food and a bed for the weekend! This was a shot they specifically requested and we had so much fun doing it! Nat had fun sizing herself up against mom and dad... I'm sure if I get to repeat this shot in the future the sizes will be much closer... she's growing so fast!

Photo of the Day: Cozy Corner

2010-02-27T06:00:00.005-05:00

Forgive me if I've posted this one before, I'm starting to lose track :o) This photo was taken in Cleavland (where I am this weekend, visiting my goddaughter!) at a little restaurant where my friends took me last year when I came to visit. I don't remember the name of the place but they had awesome fries! This table was set up in the front room where they had a bunch of neat free-standing booths up on stages too. We sat in the back near the bar, but I bet this place is just packed on the weekends!

Photo of the Day: Peek-a-Boo

2010-02-26T06:00:00.004-05:00

This sunflower was trying to peek out from it's bud, and I'm really hoping we start seeing this again soon! :o) I'm ready for spring!

Photo of the Day: Who Needs a Tunnel?

2010-02-25T06:00:00.004-05:00

As my faithful readers know, I took a short trip to Las Vegas this month with my family. This photo was taken in the conservatory of the Bellagio hotel-casino which they currently have decked out for the Chinese New Year. The whole thing is really breathtaking, but I especially loved the way the lighting picked up the colours in this shot!

Photo of the Day: Austin Scott - The Wall

2010-02-24T06:00:00.013-05:00

I don't often feature photos with people in them for my blog, because I like to use it as an outlet for my non-portrait stuff, but I really really like this photo :o) I shot this photo of Austin in 2008 on our Eurotrip, in Berlin. We had gone out in search of a market and found one along this stretch of wall (not the Berlin wall) that had been painted on almost every inch. I made him black and white to contrast the colours of the wall and was really pleased with the effect it had on the overall shot.

Attention Graduating Class of 2011!!

2010-02-23T21:46:00.001-05:00

Want a chance to get FREE Senior Portraits??

Shutterbug Portraits & Design is currently accepting applications for 2011 Senior Reps!

What's a Senior Rep? Senior Reps are high school juniors (graduating in 2011) who have fun, outgoing personalities, and are interested in earning a little extra cash by helping Shutterbug Portraits & Design expand our client base!

How does it work? Senior Reps selected by Shutterbug will get their senior portraits taken for FREE. Shutterbug will then provide them with flyers featuring their photo and our information to be passed out to other seniors. For every paid client you help us find, you will be rewarded a $5 cash bonus.

Senior Rep Responsibilities: Senior Reps will be responsible for passing out Shutterbug fliers in any appropriate venues, to friends and family who are graduating in 2011 and need senior portraits taken. They are also responsible for helping to promote Shutterbug through their online profiles (become a fan on Facebook, invite friends to be fans, link to Shutterbug when you post your photos online, etc)

Senior Rep Rewards: Senior Reps will receive a senior portrait sitting at any location they wany absolutely free. This includes as many outfits or props as you want, an online proof album to share with anyone you like, 1 digital negative of your favourite shot, one 8x10 print, two 5x7 prints, 18 wallet prints (can be up to 18 different photos or all the same, or any combination). Senior Reps can also earn $5 cash for every paid client they book with Shutterbug Portraits & Design for Senior Portraits ($5 can also be applied toward additional print purchases)

Application Process: If you are interested in being considered for a Shutterbug Senior Rep, please send an email to us at Rachel@ShutterbugDesign.com and include the following information:

1. A current photo of yourself that you really like

2. A description of what you would like your own Senior Portraits to look like (location, style, etc)

3. 1 page plan outlining how you plan to help promote Shutterbug Portraits & Design if you are chosen

All applications must be received by Sunday 21 March 2010. Senior Reps will be selected and notified by Friday 26 March in order to setup April portrait sittings

Photo of the Day: Winter Wonderland

2010-02-23T06:00:00.009-05:00

Today's photo is in honour of the complete dumping of snow we got yesterday here in the D! It was taken several years ago in downtown Rochester. The Paint Creek was mostly frozen and covered in snow so I took the opportunity to go play on the ice with my camera. For this particular shot, however, I was standing halfway up the bank looking down onto the ice.

Photo of the Day: Birch Bark Series

2010-02-22T06:00:00.012-05:00

Today's Photo is also a commercial! :o) I framed this piece out for one of my craft shows last year and was so excited to finally see it all together because when I shot the photos this is exactly what I saw in my head as a finished piece... unfortunately it did not sell at the show, but that means it is now available for purchase on my website (along with may other pieces and other products). Please check it out and I always welcome feedback on everything (the work itself, my site, pricing, process, etc!) so please feel free to send it along!

Photo of the Day: Stained Glass Splendor

2010-02-21T06:00:00.000-05:00

I believe I've mentioned before how much I love stained glass... a friend of mine actually took a class once and made me a Christmas tree ornament out of stained glass. I would love to learn how to do it myself someday! This window was in a church where I was taking First Communion photos for a client of mine... of course I had to sneak in some shots just for me! :o)

Photo of the Day: Butterfly Ball

2010-02-20T06:00:00.015-05:00

Tonight I will be attending a fundraiser called the Butterfly Ball (hence today's photo) to benefit "Befriend EB", a local nonprofit organisation dedicated to helping families and children who suffer from Epidemolysis Bullosa (EB). EB is a disease that is basically having the majority of your body covered in extremely painful blisters. I became aware of Befriend EB through the Troy Chamber of Commerce, and when I found out about their fundraiser, I donated 2 prize packages for their silent auction. I'm excited to be attending the event as well, with Austin, and getting to meet the staff as well as the prize winners (they will win a family portrait sitting with me). I love being able to use my own talents to help others, and this way I can help 2 families create a beautiful memory, while their donations will help many children suffering terrible pain to find some relief. If you are aware of other organisations that could use donations, I am always looking for new ways to help, so please feel free to send them my way!

Photo of the Day: Wedding Bliss

2010-02-19T06:00:00.013-05:00

Congratulations to my friend Cindy and her new husband (as of this evening) Mike! Cindy and I met at church camp many many years ago and I have become friends with just about her entire family. Her brother was one of my housemates for awhile back in college as well. This particular photo was taken back in 2007 at the first wedding I ever got paid to shoot :o) I'm happy to report that the couple is still happily married today (unfortunately not the case with other weddings I've shot...!) For those of you in need of a wedding photographer, or for those of you who know someone who is in need of a wedding photographer... send me a note! :o) I'm ridiculously reasonable and willing to travel if need be! Check out some of my other wedding shots on my website www.ShutterbugDesign.com

In all honesty though, this entry is a heartfelt congratulations to Cindy and Mike, may you have a lifetime of wonderful experiences and adventures together as a married couple! Can't wait to join the club! :o)

Photo of the Day: Solid as a Rock (Wall)

2010-02-18T06:00:00.007-05:00

Today's photo was taken in Lynchburg, TN at the Jack Daniels Distillery. Those of you who know my work know I like close ups of random objects... my brother and I used to get these science magazines as kids and my favourite one featured a close up macro photo of something and you had to guess what it was. I almost never got it right but I thought it was so cool how you could get so close to something that you didn't even recognise it for what it was... life lessons eh?

Anyhow I like stonework and this wall was no exception, I loved the texture of it, and the curve that the fish eye gives to it as well.