I think I've mentioned before that I've had a rough past 2 years. I was laid off from a dream job, I spent a year and a half maneuvering the stresses that come with planning a wedding and getting married and starting a life together with someone you've never lived with (all good, but still stress), I had to come to terms with the fact that I currently am forced to live WELL outside my means just to get the bills paid, I moved out of my parent's house, we adopted 2 kittens, my husband is occasionally responsible for a hell demon (dog), and I've had more job lead let-downs then I care to admit. Oh yeah, and I decided to throw grad school into the mix, just for fun.
While I've had a lot of good things happen in my life the last two years (remember the part where I got married!) the past few weeks the stress has been getting to me. A lot. I've been feeling a lot of pressure because of our financial situation, I've been feeling increasingly demotivated and down right depressed on the job front, and the hell demon has been around a little more frequently than usual. My husband tries to be supportive but is unfortunately often just blissfully unaware of how these life forces are impacting me, and I can only complain to him so much before he thinks I'm just chronically miserable.
Yesterday I did something unprecedented. I took a deliberate day off. I planned it ahead of time, I informed my family that I was unavailable for the day, I made no plans with friends, and I got my most pressing tasks handled the day before. I took one entire day to only do what I felt like doing. I didn't limit myself. I borrowed a car so I would have transportation should I choose to go out, I didn't make a list of things I wanted to do, or things I should avoid, I simply spent the day doing exactly and only what I felt like doing. It was amazing. I slept in without feeling guilty, I snuggled with my kitties, I ate whatever sounded good, I did a little shopping, I sat by the pool, I watched some tv, I read, I wrote, and I spent some time cleaning my kitchen the cooking in it. When my husband got home from work, he invited me to go to a bbq at his friends house and I really debated whether or not *I* felt like going, or if I was inclined to go because he wanted me to. I ultimately decided to go, but brought stuff to do on my own if their conversation or activities wasn't going the way I felt like. It was an awesomely freeing day.
Except for one searing moment.
I was out doing some shopping for a few household items I kept putting off looking for, and I saw an older man out on the side of the road, holding a sign that read "Family hungry. Please Help. Will work." I was starting at him as I sat at my red light, willing there to be cash in my wallet to maybe at least give him a dollar if I had it... even though we don't have enough in the bank to pay all of our bills before my next unemployment check comes in. The truck in front of me beeped at him and someone handed some cash out the window, so I felt better.
Until a little later.
Headed home (by another route) I came across a somewhat younger man with the same sign. I am assuming they were a father and son. I didn't have any cash, I didn't have any food, and I couldn't afford to hire him to do any made up work I may be able to come up with. And I lost it. I cried the whole way home, and I wasn't even sure why at first. I began to force myself to consider where this emotional outburst was coming from (thanks to many years spent in therapists offices, and being friends with therapists...) and realised it was part fear that we may not be far off from those men in our own situation, and part the most complete sense of relief and gratitude I have felt in a very long time. Relief that it wasn't me standing out there relying on the grace of God and strangers to get me to my next meal, and grateful that we have what little it feels like we do have: a roof over our heads, food in our cupboards, and a vehicle to get my husband back and forth to work each day.
I felt completely overwhelmed by the whole experience, and I'm still processing the emotions it stirred up for me, but I felt driven to share it here. Take it for whatever it may mean to you, and I sincerely hope those men were able to feed their family that night.
