Last time you cried.

I wouldn't consider myself a cry baby, but I'm also not emotionless.  I cry with relative frequency, it helps me process.  The last time I cried was last week, and actually I think it was just a release.  I had made dinner for Austin & I, enjoyed dinner and as we were cleaning up I turned to him and said "I have no idea why but I kind of feel like crying right now, so if you turn around and I'm crying, I'm not sad"  Sure enough about 20 minutes later I had tears sliding down my face.  It only lasted a few minutes, but it there it was nonetheless.

Favorite smells.

Pretty much anytime something is cooking the kitchen I love it.  The smell of a home cooked meal is hard to beat.


I'm also addicted to this candle my mother in law bought me, it's Eucalyptus Mint and it is AWESOME.


The smell of a campfire is also amazing...

European Nostalgia

This post is not a part of the "post-a-day" list.  I follow another blog that occasionally posts these great playlists.  I loved the idea but couldn't for the life of me figure out how to do it.  Tonight on my way home from school a remix of an old No Mercy song came on the radio and I just about flipped out.  I was instantly transported through space and time to a McDonalds' drive thru in Rotterdam where my friend Joey and I were ordering Big Mac meals in order to get a free No Mercy single of their newest hit.  (remember when bands released singles AND we bought them on discs?!)


As soon as the song ended I had to bust out my phone and start YouTubing other songs (at stop signs and red lights of course) to play over and over again until I got home.  There was no option, I had to figure out how to post a freaking playlist.  And I did.  Now I bring you, Rachel's Euro-Nostalgia playlist... a collection of my all time favourite artists and songs from my time in the Netherlands.  I was also a huge Backstreet Boys fan at the time, but I tried to restrict the list to European bands or bands that never ever made it in the US.


You may think it's lame, you may hate every song on it, you probably won't be able to understand all of them (the beauty of Euro-playlists is any language goes!) but it is super meaningful to me, and at this exact moment in my life, it is beyond exactly what I needed.  So enjoy some exposure to MY culture!!!!

Your worst hair moment (if you skip this one, it’s totally cool).

Skip this one?  I'm braver than that!  We've all had bad hair days.  We've all had bad hair cuts.  Usually we look back on things that we thought were soooo cool at the time with absolute horror.  My worst hair moment was just as bad at the time as it is to look back on.  I wanted short hair.  For awhile I had short hair that was really cute.  Then mum took me in for a trim and we ended up with a stylist other than the one we normally went to.  This stylist was apparently stupid.  Or deaf.  But I'm pretty sure stupid.  Even though I was introduced as the "daughter" and my name was "Rachel", she thought I was a boy.  It wasn't until she pulled out the shaver that mum realised what was happening and all but physically yanked me out of the chair herself.  I had boy hair, and I was 8 years old.  Awesome.

Mum felt awful and wanted to try and salvage it so we went to a new stylist who suggested a perm (which was still acceptable for the decade lol)... which resulted in this:

 yeah... bask in that for awhile.  Then move on the the track suit and fanny pack.  You're welcome.

Something you crave.

I often crave carbs... pasta, rice, cereal, bread... if I have a (food) craving it's most often some form of this.  I also often crave sushi, because it's delicious, and because I can't afford to eat it even half as often as I like.

On a non-food level, I am currently craving acceptance.  I have been hunting for full time employment for over a year now, and it feels like everytime I get my hopes up about a position I interview for, they come crashing down around me.  It's so frustrating because the most frequent reason I get for them not choosing me is "you're just overqualified so we went with someone else"  I have been very selective in my search, trying to find companies that I intend to stick with for a long time, so to have them turn down someone who is interested in being a long-term player because they are in fact better than what they were looking for just blows my mind.  Do they think I'm lying to them?  Do they not believe me when I tell them that I'm not a salary or title chaser?  It's soooo frustrating.

I have always been a pretty confident person.  I was raised to believe in myself and my skills, and I have lived a life that has fostered that confidence.  I've failed plenty, but I guess I'm usually just pretty good at learning from failure and growing from it, but even my once rock solid self confidence is beginning to quake.  And so I crave acceptance.  It's bleeding into every aspect of my life... I need my family to tell me how helpful I am, I need my husband to constantly shower me with affection and gratitude for all I do around the house or to help with his music career, I need my friends to continuously bolster my ego and tell me that perfect job is right around the corner.  I need employers to stop telling me how awesome I am and SHOW me by giving me a chance to rock the job.  As a pretty fiercely independent individual, I struggle deeply with feeling so emotionally dependent on others right now.  I hate feeling like I have to have their approval and admiration in order to feel good about myself.  And yet I'm caught in this web and don't quite know how to get out of it.

Ugh.

A photo from your childhood.

Something you’re thankful for.

Today I am thankful for good friends who don't give up on us!  Austin and I try hard to maintain our friendships with people, but sometimes individuals get left behind for awhile.  Never intentionally, but sometimes it happens.  I am always so thankful when they don't take it personally and we are able to pick up where we've left off.  This morning, just as we were deciding what we should do with our day, the phone rang and our friend Jacob said "I'm not too far from you guys, are you busy?"  It resulted in a wonderful visit and we were so glad he came!

Your favorite teacher.

This one is even easier than the "photo of me without makeup" subject!  My favourite teacher of all time was Mr. Tirolese (Mr. T as we usually called him) in Grade Four.  He's Italian, plays guitar and has a great sense of humour.  I do not recall why I knew I wanted him as my teacher that year, but I remember that I emphatically did, and when we went to school on the first day, his line was the first one I went to, desperately hoping my name would be on his roster.  He turned around and my parents introduced themselves, and he looked right at me and said something along the lines of "yes! Rachel! You're part of us!" I was elated!  That year ended up being a difficult year for me as it was the year my family found out we would be moving to the Netherlands.  My folks left for 2 weeks for a go-see trip, and I bawled my eyes out in the hallway.  Mr T helped calm me down then gave me things to work on that morning that would let me stay out of the mainstream while I pulled myself together.

Mr. Tirolese was awesome at keeping in touch with me over the years, and has become a good friend.  In fact, he and his wife attended my wedding last year, and over the holidays my family and I were able to stay with them on our way up to celebrate the van Rossum family Christmas in Cambridge.  It's been awesome having such a great role model in my life who has also become a good friend.  Best. Teacher. Ever.

Best Christmas present you ever got.

This one is a toughie, because I have friends and family who are quite simply AWESOME gift givers!  I think one of the very best Christmas presents I ever got was a ring my parents bought me several years ago.  I had just ended a very serious relationship and was struggling.  They bought me a ring that was a custom piece meant to be a mini replica of an anniversary ring my father had given my mother.  As a young teenager I had often asked to see that ring, and put it on my own hand (even though it was too big for my finger) and counted the stones and just admired it.  When they got me the ring, they told me is was meant to be a reminder of how much my family loves me, even when I'm hurting.  It meant so much to me.  I go in phases wearing it, often times wearing it for months on end, then leaving it in the jewelry box for months before putting it back on, but whenever I do, I'm reminded of that love and support, and it always gives me a really great feeling inside.

Your favourite thing right now.

My favourite thing right now is probably my kitties.  I get bored and lonely a lot because I tend to spend most days cooped up in our apartment waiting for my husband to come home.  Not that I don't have things I do, but I don't get out as much as I'm used to, and that can be very isolating.  Our kitties keep me company and keep me severely entertained.  Sure, sometimes I want to throw them out on the landing in a time out for awhile, but usually they're snuggly, warm, affectionate and very fun to be around.  Smudge has really warmed up to the kittens and the three of them will play and snuggle and chase each other all over the apartment, which is hilarious to watch when they don't almost break things in doing so...!

15 Facts about you.

1.  I legally hold 3 citizenships.  I am Canadian by birth, and have both American and Dutch citizenships (since birth) because of my parents.  The laws changed after my brother was born, and we were both grandfathered in, which means as of yet none of our passport renewals have been rejected.

2.  I have a fear and fascination with death.  I am terrified of the idea of dying and leaving my loved ones behind, and equally terrified of them leaving me, yet I am fascinated by the unknown.  Because of this I have a deep love for horror films and things that deal with death and the undead.

3.  I don't want to go back to work.  I have been unemployed for over a year now, and if there was a way I could become wealthy enough to never HAVE to work again, I would.  I like having my freedom but I hate not knowing if we will be able to make it another 6 months on our savings.  If the bills were paid without me being gainfully employed, I would probably spend more time on projects that I'm passionate about instead of worrying about the pay that does or doesn't come with it.  I think I'd do a lot of pro bono event planning for non profits.

4.  I love to travel.  I got super spoiled in my last job because I got to travel A LOT on the company dime.  Since I got laid off trips are far fewer and less extravagant.  Thankfully there was a little bit of carryover after my layoff in that I had accumulated enough airmiles to afford a great honeymoon with my husband (also thanks to the generosity of some dear friends!)  I have a list as long as my arm of the places I would still like to visit before I die... the top 3 of which are Australia/New Zealand, South Africa and New Orleans.

5.  I hate my metabolism.  I was blessed with a high one, which means I can eat anything I want and sit on my butt all day and not gain a pound.  It may seem ungrateful to some, but I hate it because it sets me up for bad eating habits and a complete lack of motivation to stay fit.  I'm in terrible shape and I have inexcusably high cholesterol for someone my age and size, yet the lack of physical signs of that in my outward appearance make it way too easy to forget and just keep on eating whatever, no matter how unhealthy it is.  Not that I want to be fat, but if eating like crap made me put on even 10 lbs I bet I'd make better choices.

6.  I am the crazy cat lady.  I LOVE kitties.  If I could keep panthers and tigers and mountain lions as pets I totally would.  3 is my limit as far as household pets, that keeps me busy enough and the expenses are still manageable, but if I had unlimited resources and unrestricted space I'd have a dozen I'm sure.  I would love to be a position someday to foster kitties for a rescue agency while they wait for new homes.

7.  I love unconditionally.  In any relationship I have with another person, I have three modes.  Hatred, indifference and love.  Some people don't get that about me.  They think if we've hung out once and I act like we're best friends that I'm being inauthentic, but if we hit it off, then I definitely hold them in high esteem and have deep emotional ties to them until they prove that they aren't worthy of that.  In romantic relationships I have had my heart literally smashed to smithereens over and over because I simply don't know how to hold back when it comes to love.  I don't mean I'm a smothering psycho, but I love deeply, wholly, and unconditionally.  Until you prove you aren't worthy.  My serious relationships that ended prior to meeting my husband did so in a single instant when something occurred that irrevocably told me that guy wasn't the one.  In both cases I can name the instant, it's like a lightswitch in me or something.  Up until that second, however I loved them completely.  I am capable of loving many people very deeply (not romantically) and sometimes people don't get that.  I don't care, I have been blessed with incredibly rich friendships because of it.

8.  I believe that all human beings are equally deserving of love, respect and dignity.  Discrimination based on anything outside of a personality trait bothers me beyond words.  If you are a jerk to me, I get to discriminate against you in my own way.  If you are gay, asian, autistic, rich, methodist, communist, whatever, that is no basis for treating someone any differently or with any less decency or respect as a human.  I find it absurd that others think this is acceptable.  I don't have to agree with your thought process or opinions, but I do not get to discount you as a person.

9.  I don't know how I would cope without my cell phone and the internet for prolonged periods of time.

10.  I get lonely when my husband goes to work.  Even if I'm being social or hanging out with friends or family, I miss him a lot during the day.

11.  Sometimes I feel like a fake.  I do things pretty well and I'm a quick study, but my year long job search has made me feel less and less confident in my skills and ability.  I worry that maybe I've just been getting by so well because people liked me.  My educational background isn't in the field I was working in (not exactly) or in the field I wish to work in (though my masters is more in that field so I'm working on it) and that has been a barrier for me in a lot of the positions I've applied for.  Sometimes I feel like now that I'm in the spotlight (with employers when I apply for positions) that they can see I've just been faking it all along and they don't want me.  In my head I know that's not true, and I do work hard and I am smart, but as time wears on it takes it's toll on my self confidence.

12.  I place a huge value on family.  Having grown up moving around so much, my family was the only constant in my life for almost all of my life so far.  As such, when things feel shaky in my family I panic.  When my mum got sick, when my dad changed careers, when I feel like the stability in my family is threatened in any way (real or imagined) I freak out.  I'm pretty good at hiding it (not healthy, I know this, I'm working on it) but it tends to throw me into overdrive in doing everything I can to "fix" things.

13.  I speak 4 languages.  English and French have been my staples, I became fluent in Dutch when we moved to Rotterdam, and I can get by in German.  I've studied Italian and desperately want to master Spanish but I haven't been able to work up the motivation to study it on my own.

14.  I love to cook.  If it weren't for the types of hours and stress associated with the food industry I would consider becoming a chef.  I love food, and I can't wait until finances allow me to go back to taking classes at culinary school for fun.  I have a chef's jacket and a knife bag and I use them all the time.  I love to go grocery shopping and to try out new techniques and recipes, I love learning how to use new ingredients and developing my palette and new flavour profiles.  90% of the time I would rather have friends over for dinner than go out to eat with them because it gives me an excuse to try something new.

15.  I want to move back to Canada.  The world is my home it seems, but lately I've been pining for my Canadian roots again.  My husband and I have discussed it in passing before and he's open to the idea, but I'm scared of uprooting us right now, and I'm scared of doing it without my family.  All of my big moves were always with them, and the thought of leaving them so far behind isn't something I'm prepared to face yet.  So here we stay, but I hope someday I will get to move back.